INFLAMED

August 25th, 2025

Today a colleague said something that I perceived to be inflammatory.

I felt a concoction of feelings boiling over in my chest. There was rage, anxiety, and more importantly insecurity brewing in my chest. 

I removed the lid and dialed down the heat to let it simmer until it cooled before I pried it apart.

Why does that matter?

If I try and prove them wrong, what does that do for me?

Was that intentional? A dog whistle?

I realize that I’ve worked enough to prove myself. Not to say that I’m spotless, but I am beginning to realize that it’s futile to try and sway anyone to convince them of my value. It’s exhausting, actually. I’ve been trying to prove myself for the past year. Prove that I’m good enough, that I can improve, that I deserve to be there. Robbing myself of the grace and the peace I so rightfully deserve because I’m choosing to swallow the insecurities on my plate. 

I don’t want to be that person anymore.

I like that I’m making more of a habit to challenge my trains of thought. Certain impulses need to be examined. I’m constantly seeking to refine and improve myself, and it’s not always for the right reasons, or coming from an empowered or noble place. Sometimes it comes from identifying the fact that I’m not seen, valued, or respected, and then seeking to figure out why those things are absent. Sometimes I’m able to piece together why, and then the objective becomes to fix it, to fix me.

It’s pointless and I'm insatiable, and it’s why I think back to earlier this year and how I was so triggered by the triangulation I was experiencing (and continuing to experience). If nothing else comes of this 7H Saturn transit, at least I have this understanding that the odds may sometimes be rigged against me, but that I should avoid succumbing to it by all means. By succumbing to it, I mean taking the bait. Picking up the knife and continuing to stab myself on their behalf, even after they've left. 

Some things indeed have to be earned, my right to exist isn’t one of them.

It really isn’t a meritocracy, and the suffering is pointless.

Some things you don’t ever earn, they're just freely given. And if the invitation isn’t extended, there’s no use in trying to prompt it and/or feeling sorry for yourself. It’s simply the inappropriate thing to do.

I’m teaching myself to be less reactive by simply examining why the trigger matters, and what’s underneath the itch I’m trying to scratch when I’m triggered to react.

I’m being honest with myself about the ways in which I need to grow. I think I get away with a lot, because most of my chaos is happening internally, and is sometimes so still that no one knows anything is brimming below the surface, I'm even oblivious. Until I'm stuffing myself with food to cope with the pressure. I won't continue to do that anymore. I can't continue to do it again. 

- vetiveroil