SEPTEMBER EVE:

 August 31st, 2025

Yesterday ended on a very good note. I'm very grateful that I decided (even partially) to adapt the mindset of allowing the chips to fall where they may without needing to get 3 steps ahead of the outcome. 

I ended up making it out to my relative's home, which was deep into Long Island, and very lovely. I'm so touched and so grateful for the sweet gesture, especially since I had put any birthday celebrations on the back burner. I also was able to spend the time with my friend, S. She brought me a bouquet of flowers, a mini fortune cookie cake (to make up for the botched cake I never picked up from my baker), a big ass basket of goodies (that I've yet to open), and I was so touched by the show of genuine friendship that she was showing me. I picked up a cheap Carvel ice cream cake to cut and share, and though I forgot the candles, everyone went around and started sharing their kind words about me which I'm ashamed to admit this, but felt really, really, really good. I'm learning to lean in more to others, it always feels risky, like leaning in puts me in a position to fall, but I also realize I'm not operating in good faith more than half the time and when needed, I've leaned in (reluctantly) and managed to find a soft landing. I have to be grateful for that. 

Anyway, a funny and kinda serendipitous thing happened to me yesterday. My friend S described me as poised in her little speech for me. It landed kinda funny at the time, I thought about one of my more recent entries and how I felt the opposite of whatever poise was (I think I used the word clumsy). 

Today I managed to sleep roughly 8 hours (despite it being 3AM when I finally knocked out). I woke up craving eggs and plantains, and coincidentally, my mom had it on the stove for everyone. I drove to Starbucks and got a huge Pumpkin Cold brew. Came home, lit some incense (to ward off insects and for some aromatherapy) while I eat my eggs. It's by all accounts, a great day. 

10:53PM:

It's September Eve (my favorite month). I'm in bed, with a beer, thinking about another guy I had a very brief encounter with. He was..warm, passionate. I didn't appreciate it at the time (I was afraid of said heat) and tried to stay as still as possible to avoid his attention. Now, oddly enough, I'm craving that warmth. 

I think it's because I am thinking about [redacted] non-stop and yearning for that kind of closeness. In his absence, and my incessant loneliness, my brain is scanning for past men to make the subject of my yearning. Apparently, I am ovulating today, and so that explains a whole lot. I rearranged my room and sorted out most of my things - I decided to ditch the brass bed frame I was so desperately itching for. What I have is more than enough. 

The incense I'm burning now is heavily perfumed, not like the kyara sticks of this morning. It sticks to my curtains and my bedsheets (which I love). The scent lingers for at least a day. I like things that linger, I'm an emotional hoarder and so nothing ever gets fully released.

As the Fall and Winter inches closer and closer, I'm realizing that the heat is something I miss deeply and even yearn for. How classically disorganized of me to crave something I simultaneously fear. I can't stand the heat up close, I hate to sweat (something I'm learning to withstand), but now that the cold is being ushered in, I miss the warmth on my skin. I realize it might've been more pleasant than my brain was telling me at the time. 

I got a batch of this lovely Yemeni bakhoor some years ago (at least 3 or 4). I've used it sparingly, lately, increasingly so. Now I'm running low, and scared of never getting to smell it again. 

So much happening in my world as of late. 

- vetiveroil