NEW MONTH

 August 17th, 2025

Doctors consider the start of each monthly cycle to be on the first day that vaginal bleeding occurs, so as far as I'm concerned today is the first day of August in my world.

I was fairly productive today despite the discomfort and overall lack of energy. I'm getting ready to go out to dinner with my dad, my sister decided not to come, so I guess it's just us two. 

I've been trying to reset and rid myself of my vices as of late. Recently they are: chocolate, emotional rumination, and self-flagellation. To combat all three, I ate a big indulgent breakfast and went to the gym two hours later. It was just cardio, and though I was super tempted to do more, my cramps went up several pain levels by the end and I just wanted to go. I did get a nice sweat from all of the carbs I've been eating lately, which felt good. Afterwards, I went food shopping, and then I came home and cleaned the kitchen before the cramps knocked my ass out and I just took a Midol and lied in bed half crying and half dozing off. I'm not sure what's making me cry. Maybe I am emotional from last night, I usually am around my period for some reason. 

I'm telling myself that I'm doing well, that despite whatever the fuck I feel about myself as a result of my past experiences, I'm getting better. I'm actually 10lbs away from hitting another cool weight loss milestone. One that feels surreal, and it planets away from where I originally began. I don't recognize myself anymore. I realize that exercising, eating whole foods, sleeping well, etc. are basic tenets of self-care and truly do compound well over time. 

I'm reminding myself that even when I feel invisible, I am doing well. And sometimes I'm nearsighted and misplace importance. For instance, I think I want something, when I am just desiring what it represents. Maybe it's my 12H Mercury, but symbolism, imagery, etc. - these all get fused together often in my mind. Like how I bawled like a baby when I snapped my very first bloom back in June. I couldn't really explain that it wasn't as ordinary as a dead flower on a plant that would eventually grow back. It was a symbolic loss of effort and it cut deep because the plant symbolized something I was working very hard at. 

When I think of that person, there's a certain purity I felt he possessed (or perhaps I just assigned it to him - or projected it on him). It didn't feel dirty or shallow when we connected, it felt..aligned in a way I hadn't felt before and that shocked me, because I never thought I'd feel. I felt we were cut from the same cloth, and up to that point, I always felt the best I'd experience is a somewhat similar fabric, LOL. 

That purity I'm grieving and wondering if I'll ever catch a glimpse of it again with anyone else.

I have a tendency pof shorting myself, and maybe that's what this is. I guess I wanted evidence last night to soothe myself, and I didn't really find it. The absence felt so hollow, so I filled it with grief, and then a bout of rage - neither of which did me much good.  

I didn't want to let it go. I still don't want to let it go. But a very beautiful and wise woman by the name of Rekha once said: "you don't deal with it, it deals with you." - this much is true. 

Instead of scratching the itch mindlessly, I'm seeking to understand the need and maybe it'll give me relief. 

- vetiveroil