FAMILIAR FACE

August 15th, 2025

I’m starting to hate Instagram, now.

This morning, I opened someone’s story and the face of someone I’ve been trying so hard to forget was staring back at me. My heart DROPPED and I’m sitting here anxious as hell, trying to act like that didn’t happen.

I resent how much of an imprint this person made on me, how whenever they come to mind, it’s like a thousand butterflies swirling around in my chest and I just can’t contain myself or be normal about it. And I thought I had mastered the art of being stoic.

I keep telling myself that it doesn’t matter, that it’s out of reach, and that I’m better off focusing on other things (my upcoming course, my professional future, my emotional shortcomings, my ROUTINE, even) and it all just keeps finding a way into my space.

Which is so irritating, because this person is so close and yet so far. I figured we’d have crossed paths again, in fact, I’ve often walked down the street secretly hoping we’d run into one another. Had daydreams where by a stroke of luck we ended up alongside one another, with a reason to speak, and it just hasn’t happened. So for my sanity, I've neatly tucked any and all ideas of him at the back of my mind, where it doesn't derail my thinking. Still it re-emerges.

I was hurt that the last time we saw one another, it seemed like I was inching closer, and in the same breath, he was inching away from me. I took that to mean that I imagined something that wasn’t quite there, and I disconnected from it all to avoid feeling that burn of rejection. Seeing them again feels like sticking my hand in an open flame over and over again. 

I hate that I'm secretly wishing I'd see him tomorrow, and even more that it'll sting if I don't.

If I saw him, I wouldn't even know what to say, I'd probably act like I didn't. Last time, I felt destabilized with him near me. I think I went to the opposite extreme and tried to tamper with something that shouldn't be tampered with: connection.

I'm reminding myself of my very first condition for this year:

                                                                  1. Force repels, ease attracts.

- vetiveroil