THE WORLDVIEW, RELATIONSHIP PROXIMITY, AND OTHER THOUGHTS:
August 29th, 2025
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Crazy how the key to having endurance and strong heart is simply enduring. That’s something my Mars-Saturn feels quite comfortable with.
EXPANDING THE WORLDVIEW:
Something miraculous happened to someone close to me a few days ago (that they shared with me). It was something traumatic and harsh, and a year later, they were cashing in on it. I know things like that happen, and yet my brain wasn’t able to really compute that it could happen to me. And now (as terrible as it sounds), assuming the long term effects were minimal if even existing, I would wish for that kind of blessing. Yet, I don’t really know for certain that I’d use it to the fullest possible extent. Anyway, that was a reminder for me to stop being a stickler and trying to stick the path of “least” resistance, because in this crazy world, truly anything can happen. And judging the events too soon or in too much of a binary can lowkey block the blessing(s) altogether. I’m reminding myself that I can just show up and be me. That I can follow my impulses to the fullest extent (when appropriate) and allow the right people to stick and allow not judge them for not sizing me up.
Today my colleague did something I perceived to be disrespect. It was covert and my first instinct was to overlook it, because I’m choosing to operate with her in good faith due to (in my mind) some level of trust. That is not something I like to do, nor truly do often. I’m still trying to figure out if I truly am ready to move past it. My brain is used to scanning for threats. Used to searching for reasons to flee and when you are looking for these things, your brain has a way of finding them. I think I’ll let it slide for now.
PISCES 7H & RELATIONAL IDEALS:
So the app The Pattern has a running transit for me (NN ☌ DSC) called Partners of Destiny. It's been running since March 1st and ends August 30th. March was around the time I met [redacted]. I was reflecting on it and feeling a little disappointed at how uneventful the whole transit has been. I never got the inspiration I had hoped for. It's been really underwhelming.
But anyway, I was reflecting briefly today on [redacted] and what our meeting meant to me, what I liked about him, etc. I thought about how my meeting him connected me with a dormant part of my psyche (sort of). Now, I've never been the person to say I have a type. Usually when people ask that, they want to know if there's a certain phenotype you have, etc. I'd love to say the basics like tall, but I've been deeply attracted to short men if I felt the rest of the boxes were ticked. I'd love to say race, but I've been able to find good looking men who also tick the boxes in other races as well as my own. Then, I thought some more and it highlighted how Piscean my type is.
All of the men I've been really drawn to have a deeply creative and cerebral quality to them.
In fact, I'd venture to say that it's a precursor for any attraction. With looks, I can appreciate someone's unique look even when it deviates from any conventions. The men I've liked in the past have had one single thing in common: they had male parts. Personality wise, I realize that the basis of the attraction is tenderness. I noticed about [redacted] that he seemed very soft and it drew me in. I'm drawn to chivalrous men, good manners, willing to put down their ego for the bigger picture. I was drawn to his easy-going nature. His very serene demeanor and voice. He just seemed to glide through life, seemingly unmoved by obstacles. I really admired that quality.
In the digging I did, I discovered someone very keen to understand and learn, someone with very few judgements about what he was perceiving. It's like me...but not? I think I am deeply analytical and that can be judgemental. I think my primary domain is cerebral - I think my way through life, and feel second (if at all, LOL). I take things extremely seriously (always have). I realize that vulnerability is something I desire. I never imagined it was or would be.
In the past, I was drawn to men who were very serious because that's a quality that made me feel safe. It made me feel as though, if they take their life seriously, then they'll handle me with care. I'll be in safe hands. Funny how naive that line of thinking was. I desired a man that was very structured, ambitious, a strong sense of personal power (in the traditional sense). I have found that I struggled to connect with those men, and perhaps their needs were wildly different and they didn't need or desire me. We never mutually clicked. Perhaps the similarly made for a lack of polarity and so we didn't necessarily repel one another, but there was no pull.
LINGERIE & OTHER WOMANLY THINGS:
Today I found myself shopping for lingerie and lace intimates. I'm not sure why, and it's not like I have anyone to wear those things for. I'm also deeply insecure about the state of my breasts. Anyway, my relationship to my body has always been ambivalent at best. Even in my teens when I had a more ideal figure, I never felt sexy. I went my entire teens and honestly up to this point in my twenties wanting to hide in my clothes. As a teen, it was due to fear of being preyed upon by men or boys my age wanting to approach me sexually. As a young adult it became a way to conceal the evidence of my binges and the result of neglect and self-abuse. I'm learning as of late that it's time for new clothing. I'm starting to no longer fit in my clothes. I'm still adjusting to this size, and the work is not yet finished (not even close). I am discovering a new layer of what it means to be attractive to people - and also being attracted to people. I find that in both cases, my instinct is to hide. I'm learning to stop long enough to avoid retreating. I'm learning to withstand being visible (just like I'm learning to withstand proximity). I'm learning that I like how lace looks and feels on my skin. That I have a long neck (and I quite like it). I like V neck tops, not because of my cleavage anymore, but because of my collarbones.
I have a re-emerging interest in eroticism and this time it is stemming from a very physical place, not just a girlish curiosity.
I feel like I'm entering a sexual awakening and I didn't expect it to happen so late.
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