MERIT

 September 11th, 2025

Gone are the days where I could openly and shamelessly indulge in hollow acts of desperation.

I suppose that's a good thing, but I still feel hollow sometimes, and I can't fill myself up to feel better and that sucks. Today was underwhelming. It was a long day, I got home at 7pm, parked, and started a walk to hit my last 1,000 steps of the day. I had a craving for Coke Zero so I got some. I wasn't hungry when I got home, so I'm eating a pumpkin spice chocolate chip cookie. 

I found myself craving to be filled up again. Not by food this time, but with love. With tenderness and attention. I couldn't find it, so the Coke Zero, the cookie, some plastic surgery ideation, this entry - they're all a close enough substitute when I pile them up together. 

I try not to let the feeling of hopelessness linger too long, otherwise depression starts to set in. 

On the plastic surgery thing, I found myself going doing that spiral again - coagulating deservingness with affection. They don't really dwell in the same realm, except in my head. Seems like I'm on a never ending climb as of late. A course here, a workout there, accolades on that side, certifications on the other. I just find myself in a really empty spot right now. 

I thought of [redacted] and felt a strange feeling of relief that I haven't been seeing him. In my mind, it was precious time to use to be better so I could deserve his affection if we ever crossed paths again. And that made me want to cry, to be honest. It's like my brain thought about how much how intensely I felt about him and said..."well, at least you can buy yourself some time, you can:

Get a boob job

Finish the program you've wanted

Add another $2M of awarded contracts under your belt

Develop some social skills (!!!)

So when you think about it, it's GREAT that he's not around now. You can earn being someone worthy of liking in the meantime.."

Obviously this just sent me spiraling over the course of hours. I want to feel as though I'm deserving of the things I want, and then I keep being reminded that affection is not something merit grants you. It's just something you're given.

I felt very lonely today. I wasn't even alone long enough to make sense of it. 

I'm tired of feeling this way.

- vetiveroil