MIRAGE

September 13th, 2025

I figured I must be hallucinating, I got on the train back home this evening, and on the other end of the train car stood someone who was a spitting image of you. Down to the side profile. 

I was starstruck, and kept trying to imagine the irony in it actually being you. I kept staring at the poor guy, trying to make out the differences I could spot from far. 

Relief and disappointment filled me up when I realized it wasn't you. Relief, because I don’t think I’d muster up the courage to say anything, I don’t really think I’d have the words. Everything feels too casual and heavy simultaneously. 

I thought about how much it meant to me that we crossed paths. How it destabilized me at first, because I wasn't really prepared for what that sort of thing when we first met. In fact, I was still hiding from myself (and the world).

Anyway..

I'm hoping that we'll meet again, and that I'll have the bandwidth to learn you more without getting whisked away. I'm hoping that we'll like one another, if not completely without performance, with very little of it. I'm praying that you're someone I can grow to trust, someone who I can be true with. I haven't been true with many men in my life. Not that it's your responsibility to fix that either. 

I'm hoping that you're as interested in my inner world as I am yours. That there is balance and reciprocity on both ends and it's not just me reaching out for a mirage this time around. I pray that we respect one another..without the facades. That there is curiosity on both ends, as well as genuine intimacy - not just detached yearning and physical attraction. I hope that I can be human with you, not just female. 

To be honest, for some time, I've played in my head what things might look like. If we'd laugh, if this nervousness I feel around you would fade over time, if you'd want to touch me (not just sexually) like I yearn for you to reach out and touch me.

I often wonder if you are what you present yourself to be. Kind, serene, cerebral - all of those qualities drew me to you - still draw me to you. I'm deeply afraid that you'll be repelled by my chaos. That once I reveal my humanity to you, you'll vanish. 

I'm a real amateur at this thing called connection. One of the primary things I am learning by trial and error is that it's better to allow someone to reject us for what we are, than accept us for what we aren't. I used to be really bad at allowing people to have free will. I always needed the control - for my own security. Even now, I'm thinking of a million ways to speak with you again and it's all so I can feel like I have an ounce of control over this when I really don't. I can't control how I feel, only how I behave. 

This lesson, I guess, truly is foundational.  In practice, it looks like revealing my humanity without any strong attachments to how you'll receive me. It looks like allowing myself to come to terms with how I feel about you without icing you out due to my own fear of vulnerability, or just orbiting you silently, hoping you see me. It looks like keeping distance if you're not coming close, because it is a sign of respect for your autonomy. 

I'm learning that it makes no sense to be so energetically intense and grasp at things that aren't aligned for me. And so, as much as i'm hoping we cross paths again, and that you want me as much as I want you, I am certain that I do not want to manipulate that outcome into being. 

Our values seem aligned, the attraction seemed to be present, and we run in the same circles, yet the distance feels heavy. I won't rush to fill it this time, I'll let that be a mutual responsibility. 

I hope to see you again soon. 

- vetiveroil