CONTROL

September 3rd, 2025

Yesterday was triggering as fuck! I suspect that once I move past this mental block, the feelings will come pouring out of me like a like water in a dam. Hopefully it’s over the weekend when I’m less busy. I’m not sure I can handle that now.

I’m realizing how avoidant I am at my core. Everything overwhelms me, and I just retreat hoping to get it under control, but the control never really comes. After some time I calm down, but the control is something I am missing.

Yesterday, I resigned knowing that I did all I could at the time. I missed you by what seemed like a split second and it really stung. It still stings, to be totally honest. But I also realize this isn’t something I want to keep under my thumb.

 I’ve walked down that corridor and at the end of it was a wall I couldn’t climb, leap over, or penetrate - it was just a dead end. I’m not sure I have room for more dead ends at this point in my life.

I’ve been listening to Dean Blunt’s music a lot. It’s so perfect for journaling. Despite how I was feeling yesterday, and I knew I wouldn’t make it to the gym, so in between cycles, I decided to speed walk up and down the street. I hardly felt the physical effects of it, that’s how much I was in my head about everything. Wondering if that was a sign to shut that door for good. Asking myself if I invested too much in a stranger, if that was a fleeting encounter and nothing more.

I guess I just don’t trust myself and that’s the bottom line. I know I’ve had a hard time distinguishing between what is there and what I want to be there. I’m treading carefully, because I don’t want to put myself in a position to break my own heart. And I’ve absolutely done that before by refusing to release the outcome I wanted. The outcome that I needed to feed that deep and ruptured void in my soul.

I spoke to my therapist today and she said something similar to what it was I thought:

"Never fuck up your mistake!"

It's so fitting. I'm choosing to reframe the whole ordeal. Seeing him be that close to someone I knew let's me know that he's not far. And if we're ever meant to align or cross paths again, then we will without my needing to manipulate variables to force it into being. I'm helping my brain re-shift the narrative by telling myself that this is a chance to simply re-commit to myself with even more force. A chance to finish losing the weight - to finish those last 3 segments and tone up. To finish my course, to apply and improve myself at work, to improve my social skills, and so on. Not as a means of attracting him, but to simply improve the quality of my life. 

If we never cross paths again, or you have a girlfriend, or I'm simply not what you want, at least I'll keep myself from crumbling completely (like I have in many past instances). 

The Narcissist - Dean Blunt

- vetiveroil