WHITE

September 11th, 2025

Last month, I went out with some friends and wore a long black dress, and a sheer black asymmetrical cover-up. Safe to say, it was a little intense for bar hopping.

A man tapped me on the shoulder while I was standing outside with a drink in my hand and asked me:

What made you wear all black tonight?

We both looked down at my outfit. 

It made me laugh, honestly. But I’ve been asking myself for some time now..why black?

I thought about it while driving a couple days ago..what I’d say if we ever got the chance to finish our conversation. I’d probably reply back that black is a formal color, it’s hard to wear it casually because it carries a lot of visual weight. For that reason, I suppose it’s protective. It conceals, and that makes me feel safe with it on. It's very resistant to penetration, it feels like. 

Strangely enough, ever since I decided to keep my bed (frame), I’ve been making my peace with the color white. Deciding it’s not that bad of a color. In the past, wearing white has made me feel naked. It’s equally as intense as the color black, but for the very opposite reason: it conceals nothing. It's very easily penetrated and makes me feel vulnerable.

I guess it’s my nature (or at the very least my conditioning) to seek out ways to hide. I used to hide my body a lot when I was very overweight, but before that I used to hide my body as a means of protection. I wanted to feel safe when I walked down the street at 13, safe from men who tried to approach me sexually, safe from the judgment of older folks who often held nothing back when making comments about how I looked, and honestly safety from my peers also.

I’m starting to feel somewhat neutral in my body. Not extremely unsafe, but not open enough to be lewd in the world - just able to exist. 

So safe, that it doesn’t phase me to be seen in white anymore. 

So safe that it no longer scares me to wear it and risk it being blemished with food or makeup.

I’m still deeply self-conscious, just not to the extent that I was at thirteen, or even twenty three. That’s really funny to say.

Perhaps this willingness to explore this color will expand my horizon again.

- vetiveroil