THE RUNT

September 10th, 2025

Today was another good day, not awfully unlike the days prior, except a few things..

I made a mistake at work - or maybe I didn’t I’m not sure. I know that the feedback I received was overwhelmingly abrasive and scary so that almost constitutes as fucking up as far as my nervous system is concerned.

Anyway, it nearly made me late for class, but not really. I had to redirect my focus so that I wasn’t distracted by my own fear. When I arrived on campus, I was scanning for parking and ended up parking in a space intended for faculty. There were no adverse consequences so I’m likely to do it again.

I made it to class in time, with a few minutes to spare and I was honestly kind of out of breath, so I needed those minutes.

I found class to be a little boring, a little preachy. I’m realizing that as much of an overthinker as I am, I get antsy if I’m expected to listen as opposed to doing. It’s like paralysis or something. Anyway, I was going in and out during my professor’s lecture and while I followed along, there were some concepts that were a little blurry.

During our exercises, she had to correct and redirect me more so than the other students (which I found to be mortifying).

Anyway, I left class feeling dumb. I’ll never blow smoke up my own ass and say I’m the smartest - but school I always did well at.

Maybe my 3H Chiron is being illuminated?

I think I took the correction as proof that cemented my fear of just being beyond hope. Of just not being good enough. As proof that I wouldn't do well (like I was so afraid of, days leading up to it). 

I started thinking to myself, “I don’t remember having such a complex..” and then I trailed off at that because I realized I was lying. They might not have been those complexes, but I had (and have) many complexes. Perhaps being self-critical is just a me trait.

In the past, it hasn’t been enough to do well and to be surrounded by people who love me. The void of low self-worth says: we must be and remain the best otherwise it’s just not enough. I’m tired of living like that. It’s a thankless life. I’m never satisfied. My pride is always wounded, I’m never fully filled up, not like I could be if I just resigned and lay the chips on the table. I think surrendering is hard for me because I always have hope.

My world historically has had to be big, because inside of me felt so hollow, and I couldn’t stand the emptiness. It’s hard to eat it away when you’re emptied every few hours.

But back to winning - I’m realizing that the world isn’t like school where I’m surrounded by a set number of players and I can hone in on their weaknesses and beat them that way. The world is large, the number of people, seemingly endless. I’m far from being the smartest, the strongest, or even most resourced. If we want the same things - without a stroke of divine luck, I’m shit out of luck.

I’m constantly suspicious of my own ambitions, because the subconscious mind is crazy powerful. I’m constantly yearning for illusionary things to affirm my own merit because that inner void is just so powerful.

Today was a good day, but I felt like the runt of whatever litter I’m in. Be it school, work, socially, and so on. 

After work, I tried to get to the gym. Six circles around the same four blocks later I resigned and headed home. I went for a long walk after, I needed to get my heart rate up and hit my steps (I accomplished both and then some). I thought about all sorts of things (I was typing like a maniac writing parts of this entry so I wouldn't forget). 

I'm just spent today. I know that I'm making progress (forward), but for some reason all of my desires feel further than usual. I'm wondering if I can muster up the courage to make it another two days.

I intend to get my cartilage re-pierced this weekend - after 4 years of letting it close on its own. I'm currently growing my jewelry collection. It's not as extravagant as I'd like it to be (yet), but I now have a few simple 18K pieces, and I'm proud of myself for being able to treat myself. 

I think I'm being forced out of needing my world to be grand. A part of me loathes this - it sees it as a weakness, as a sign that I couldn't achieve all of the grandeur I imagined for myself when I was 14 and helpless. But that's not necessarily the full picture - I can continue chasing after these things, maybe I'll adapt quickly enough to catch some, if I'm really good, maybe I'll have most. I just don't know that at 24 I'm still willing to pay for it. At 14, sure. Everything seemed hopeless then, and I'd have signed my soul over to the devil for a shiny glass bead if you told me it would make it all better. Now, I've seen some things, experienced the hollowness of winning and it no longer fills me up (not that it ever did). Everything in this life has a cost, silent or upfront, you are required to pay. I've paid for my insecurities in blood. Do I really want to keep bleeding out? Is it enough to just want to be loved? To be held and understood? 

IDK, I'm probably a little tender because my period is coming up. Maybe that statement alone is a cop out. 

- vetiveroil