KETU IN PURVA PHALGUNI

September 6th, 2025

I've had a train of thought that's started to click as of today.

I recently came to terms with a few insights at work, and it made me realize something: I'm constantly being sized up. I've put a lot of blame on myself for being socially inept and not being able to connect enough, and now I realize, I'm only part of the equation. I've been unlearning that value is something you earn through sheer will, even if I know this consciously, my subconscious has yet to catch up. 

The tangible doesn't always read as powerful. I realized that at work, everyone is always scanning for signs of value - who is of equal value or greater in order to latch on to them. I only realize this because I've been making a conscious effort to share about my life. Each time I've done it, I've realized that it's being used as fodder and not to feed the connection, but rather as a way of scanning for value - which is used as ammunition against me in a very covert way. If I'm looking for a place to be recognized and understood - this is the wrong environment. 

I went out with my hair unstretched and in its afro state earlier today. Part of me wanted to use it as a means of getting acquainted with rejection. I wanted to condition myself to be unashamed of myself in any capacity, but especially in my natural, healthy appearance - no matter who disapproves. I'll go through periods where how I look gets positively reinforced and then I just stagnate because I don't change out of fear of losing that positive reinforcement. That's a mental prison. I'm also really losing the desire to appear a certain way for certain results. For instance, I was thinking of [redacted] at the gym today. I had a weird thought about seeing him again. Of course, I want him to like me (physically and otherwise), I want him to value me, and want me back. Yet, I also am wary of falling back into familiar patterns. Being shallow from a place of insecurity - trying to look good instead of being myself and genuinely connecting with the person because the void is so deep and all I want is the validation and to feel that I'm good enough to be with. I know how fundamentally destructive that is. It casts this illusion over everything, and I can't look at the people i'm trying to connect with through a rational lens - only a desperate one. I remember being nineteen and going through such desperate lengths to pursue people who just weren't very interested in me - or interested in me for the wrong reasons and how traumatic that was. I'm not planning on doing it again.

I'm learning to be okay with being ignored, overlooked, dismissed, etc. when the prize for performing is worthless. That also includes when there seem to be benefits to playing the game. This especially applies for work when my value and worth has been essentially determined from jump and anything else just cements it. No amount of wins or growth or improvement will translate into respect or meaningful recognition, because to be honest, this is not a space that is in alignment with me fully. I know that my presence probably won't be missed until I leave.

In having these realizations - my inner world becomes clamer, more focused, less disorienting. 

Yet, I still have to ask myself:

If effort doesn't translate into worth, is it worth it to try and improve?

Does this make all of my past penance obsolete?

What is worth working at when it doesn't really even matter? 

I'm just now beginning to understand that value is largely intrinsic, meaning, the more you do, the less evident it becomes, and I've done a lot. Thee most in the name of "proving myself"

Seems like value (like love) isn't something you earn, it just is (mostly) freely given based on perception. 

I can be valued for my beauty if I work hard enough, but the validation is largely worthless in a tangible sense. I'd be selling myself out for equally as shallow men, and i'd never find peace in such connections because their goodwill is entirely conditional. 

I can be valued at work if I continue over-achieving. I can fit in if I manipulate myself enough. The respect will never come because I am just not perceived to be valuable. Our sensibilities are grossly misaligned and it would be a disservice to me to sell myself out to align to theirs (not that I can anyway). 

I'm getting tired of overworking to be undercompensated either way. My output doesn't feel like it yields the rewards I am getting. Perhaps life is not a matter of force or will, but of alignment.

Thus, any attempts at self-correcting and signaling value seem and feel fruitless. The gold I love so much, the brands I've long coveted - everything feels forced and anything that's unlike me now is beginning to be intolerable. 

Maybe instead of forcing my way to things, I can allow them to align instead. The process isn't at all passive like I imagined, it requires a crazy amount of willpower and introspection. I'm trying to do that right now, actually. Learning to release my attachment to certain desires and outcomes, investigating the need behind these so called desires and burning away what's impure. 

Today I printed some photos for my vision board. I no longer want as much as I once did. It feels pointless to desire certain things when I know what it is I need beneath that and can just right to the source. 

Right now, my desires in their rawest form consist of:

Recognition - especially in my career and relationships

Support

Understanding - Socially 

Compassion - In my personal relationships

Respect

(Validation of) Love - Especially romantic

Stability

Fun

Safety/Security

Closeness

Purpose - in terms of career and life

It's largely becoming a personal conviction of mine that the only thing worth striving to be in this life is yourself. Anything else is simply too costly, especially so if it requires you to go against yourself. I'm figuring out how to free myself of that impulse for good.

- vetiveroil