FORTUNE:

September 8th, 2025

I had a chance to let all of my insights marinate this weekend, and I woke up this morning with a strange sense of..sadness?

So much of my suspicions had been put to rest, and it’s hitting me in waves. First was the vindication, second came the anger, third is the grief of being right. I’ve no idea if anything comes next.

I’m grateful for another morning, another week! Primarily, the gratitude is stemming from the fact that I’m slowly, but consistently establishing a foundation of leverage and security for myself - at least that’s what I keep telling myself when I have to do the unpleasant things no one else seems to have to do. It makes the pill a little easier to swallow. 

I had a thought this morning:

The difference between me now and younger me is that I’m giving myself permission to do things and derive pleasure from them. Allowing myself grace to feel desire without the overwhelming feeling of shame constricting it.

Strangely enough, last night I dreamt of [redacted], woke up, and dozed back to sleep to think of him some more. Thinking of him brings me some comfort in an area of my life where I’ve experienced anything but that. I dreamt that it was easy, and mutual. Is that sad to say? I dreamt it was mutual.

I have to treat myself like a dog, almost. Redirecting my mind when it starts to head down that alley of hopelessness - like you would when a dog gets overly excited and started leaping at you and wanting to knock you over. Giving myself little commands, such as:

I'm creating my dream life from scratch

Although it hurts, I have to be okay with being devalued

And so on..

Anyway, I did well today overall:

Work

Class

Workout

Entry

Nutrition

Sleep

Keeping sane

I guess I’ll leave it at that. I’m doing well despite this overwhelming feeling of perpetual failure that looms over me. 

It was great speaking with my therapist today. I was able to let out some steam and it felt nice to be understood in my rage.

On another note, at work, I've been seeing a lot of wasps. I haven't gotten stung by one (thank god), but they're weirdly insistent on being around my car. This afternoon, on my way out to school, I decided to Google it and found: 

"Spiritually, wasps symbolize power, control over one's life, and the courage to act on one's dreams.They can represent the architect of your destiny, encouraging you to build a life reflecting your values and to defend your personal boundaries. The wasp's sting can symbolize overcoming obstacles, while its intricate nest signifies the complex web of relationships and experiences shaping your life's narrative. They also encourage action over wishes, embodying the industrious spirit needed for progress and development.."

I found that to be really affirming. I chose to pray this morning before leaving the house by following my own advice:

                      21. Remember the ancestors - keep them at the forefront of all endeavors.

- vetiveroil