BEST SELF

September 5th, 2025

Despite my efforts, I've been struggling to keep being my best self. 

That being said, I don't know that I've ever been her and maybe I'm flailing in unknown territory.

I realized my nutrition has been shit, and that’s (partly) why I feel like shit.

I’ve been craving sugar like crazy, and I think it’s because I keep eating it in lieu of actual food. I think I was craving sweetness and started trying to find it in food. It’s a bad habit, an old habit.

I thought of [redacted] today. A lot, actually. He’s been on my mind a lot this week. I nearly cancelled my hang out today with a friend of mine, I realized my desire to hang out was partially (subconsciously) a strategy to feel close to [redacted] more than it was to be in this particular friend’s presence. I feel shitty about that. I keep having to hold myself back by reminding myself of the conclusions I came to. 

That I wouldn't engineer a connection that didn't deserve to be fostered. That I wouldn't manipulate something into being just to find relief in that inner void. I promised myself that he was near enough to not have to run, I can walk if need be. 

I'm also reminding myself to keep my purity at the forefront of my life and choices. I don't mean that in a sexual sense, I mean it holistically. The purity being my light that I've now gotten it back. The purity that comes from eating well, working out regularly, being laser focused on my goals, being open to people and socializing. The light that comes from the immense gratitude I feel about how much I've been given this year. I'm reminding myself not to feed into the darkness by way of neglect and allowing my world to keep narrowing. Even if the work is largely invisible, I'll know i'm doing it and that's the most important thing.

A colleague who I hadn't seen in some months complimented me recently. She said I looked refreshed and happy. That was the highest compliment to me, though most people just tell me I look skinny these days. It made me feel good, because I've been in some sort of a metamorphosis the past year, and I've been easing out fo it the past six months. Things are aligning for me, and I have to keep that in mind, no matter what my brain tells me periodically.  

Reminders &  Affirmations:

⭑ I am healthy.

⭑ I am growing professionally (despite the bullshit). 

⭑ I am loved, and learning to love back. 

⭑ I'm stepping into a beautiful future - one stone at a time. 

I'm mainly reminding myself that life comes in a series of cycles, and the more flexible I can be, the more likely I am to leap into the next unscathed. Some cycles really leave their mark on you.

- vetiveroil