RETURN TO NORMALCY

 January 2nd, 2025

Today was the first day in nearly three weeks that things have felt normal. 

I am forcing myself to finish and publish this entry to cement that fact.

I worked out today, for only fifteen minutes, but that was to prove to myself that I haven't lost my stride. Surprisingly, despite a coughing fit at the tail end of it, I felt great. I got a little burst of energy and went grocery shopping afterwards. I came home and made a steak salad, and I've been eating that since. 

Nothing's felt right since I became ill..or maybe I become ill as a result of that, I'm not sure. 

Last night I hit a breaking point. I felt frantic, I just wanted out. By any means necessary. 

I was certainly not looking for comfort, or a little more wiggle room than I normally have, I just wanted to break free. 

Break free from that house. From the pressure and confines I constantly find myself under. 

But it's going to take more than a bout of frustration to be free. To be honest, I'm not even sure what exactly it will take. I haven't gotten that far. 

I shed some weight during my sickness - it killed my appetite (and honestly, my will to live for some time). I'm still fighting the feeling of total depletion. I'm sleeping longer, today I'm eating more nutritious food, and simply keeping my head where my feet are - which is the present. 

Today, I asked myself if this is all I have to look forward to. I don't feel any excitement about the new year..I just feel exponentially more lost. The previous year seemed to have just vanished, and I had a craving for something that I never really tasted. I got close, and good moments were had, certainly more than the years prior which felt like just straight misery. But I am still not happy, and 2025 didn't give me what it is I had been yearning for, which is the feeling that I am alive, and not just something transient. 

I ask myself if my expectations for life are just too high, because if that was my life's peak, I'd much rather never have been born at all. I can't accept that thus has been my life thus far. 

Acknowledging this feels like stewing in a cesspool of self-pity which just feels narcissistic and indulgent. But I feel it, and I carry it with me everyday. 

I am underwhelmed, and I don't know what to do to stop feeling so underwhelmed. 

We shall see what this year brings. 

- vetiveroil