MOTION

 January 3rd, 2025

Today I went back to the gym again. 

I had a big breakfast, lounged around for a few hours, and then got dressed for the gym. 

I braced myself for fifteen minutes, and even though I felt I could push it to twenty, I didn't. 

Afterwards, I went back to the grocery store, and then went to the bank.

Nothing eventful happened today, but I am in the early phases of giving myself some structure again. It feels good. I realize that it's a baseline need for me now, in a way it wasn't prior to this past year. It's now my foundation, and things can't exist without their foundations. 

I've been doing a lot of thinking. Asking myself the important questions:

What's missing from life? Why does it feel so lackluster?

What do I have to supplement to make it worthwhile?

I think the answer is...motion? I feel stuck, and I feel as though I am stuck in the confines of a life I haven't chosen, and maybe that's why I am so eager to break free. And yet, I have some understanding of the metaphysical reality that energy cannot be created or destroyed - nothing can be removed without something else to take its place. When I break free from these confines..what'll take its place? I'm aware of the confines and why I don't want to live this way, but I haven't fully figured out what it is I do want and how to enact that transformation safely. 

I also must be honest about the fact that I do enjoy many luxuries, because someone else is supplementing the cost. My life could be infinitely worse, and I have to remind myself of that.

Anyway, I am wondering how it could be possible to enact these changes this year. Something must change, there is no ifs, ands, or buts about that. 

The stillness i used to crave just kind of feels like exile now, and yet, I wonder if I am in an appropriate place to stay in motion. Is my foundation sturdy enough to support anything else?

I want desperately to stay in motion this year, but do I have the prerequisites in place?

- vetiveroil