FALL FROM EDEN

December 14th, 2025

I stayed up late last night, just thinking, and thinking, and thinking..

I wrote a letter to the ancestors, just asking for guidance, because I don't feel I have it in my physical life. 

I asked for help planting my feet back on the ground, because I haven't been rooted for some time, now. 

It dawned on me that I am repeating a mistake I've critiqued my mom for before - the inability to shelf my ego and simply admit that I was wrong. That I miscalculated someone's character, and was suffering as a result. 

The dissolution of my ego in order to move forward feels particularly painful. 

I feel:

I can't trust myself, because in such matters, my wounds lead the way

My discernment is entangled with my own projections, therefore unclean

Shame feels HOT. Like freshly poured candle wax on the skin. I couldn't stand it, so after my workout today, I went out into the bitter cold, hoping it would cool me down, but it only did so temporarily. So after that, I went on a shopping spree. I spent more than I care to admit, but I needed to lash out in some capacity, and this felt like the most reasonable lane. I got some Christmas gifts and a few new cashmere tops. After all of that, I had hit 10K steps. 

Today it dawned on me that I enjoyed walking and movement, and I could never say that before.

I am needing to keep in mind that this is a firm, but relatively gentle course correction. Not a complete fall from grace. That distinction matters a lot to me. Course corrections are a sign of divine grace, not everyone gets them. 

So tomorrow morning, I'll wake up, get dressed, I'll swallow my pride and drive to work. Dab some vetiver on my wrist and pray for the grounding I so desperately need but have lost touch with, and move on about my business. The shame feels behind an aftertaste, but even that dissolves after some time. 

I haven't been expelled from paradise, so I can just get after after tripping.

Thank you, God.

- vetiveroil