SELF-CONCEPT

 December 12th, 2025

Today it dawned on me the weight of my poor self-concept. 

If the inner world of every human was structured how our bodies were, I would imagine self-concept to be the skeletal system. Following that model, I am boneless. 

I have some muscle, sure, lots of skin, some organs, and so on - but no bones. 

It dawned on me today that my jagged childhood/adolescent development has resulted in me being a very angsty and confused adult woman at this point in time. It's so deeply internalized that people have a hard time believing me, but I see it.

Today I realized that I was suppressing my intuition. 

My insecurities are making me sloppy and the effect is compounding over time, especially professionally. 

I realized today that my recent opening has been making me appear too porous, and boundaryless. I feel ashamed of myself for not conducting myself like the person I am within. For being careless in my behavior. I felt disrespected today, though I don't think it was anyone's intention to be disrespectful. I guess that doesn't change the affect.

I went to see my dermatologist, and I had brought with me some makeup wipes, which I used to remove my very decorative makeup. My dermatologist went on to tell me how beautiful I was and how I did not need makeup. I giggled with discomfort, but didn't correct her. She expressed sternly a few more times that my skin looked great and that I was not in need of the makeup. I continued digesting that the rest of the evening in total silence. 

Now, I am home and reflecting on these two instances that feel like fate. 

I'm doused in shame right now at this realization, not that it ever helps, but I'm thinking about myself. 

The self-correcting part of me wants to use this shame as fuel to re-focus for some time, the wisdom I'm gaining is telling me that the strategy is outdated. Icing myself out of the world is only resulting in the same culmination point which will probably lead me back here. I need some balance.

Question is: How do I build a newer self-concept more in line with my current experiences.

I realize I am used to being invisible, insignificant, and lately I've grown visible and significant. And that comes with a lot of responsibility. My brain still operates the way it did ten years ago. 

I'm extremely confused today, and I hate feeling confused.

I'm in a sour mood. 

- vetiveroil