BACK TO THE DRAWING BOARD

​December 19th, 2025

Life happened fast this week, I have many unfinished entries that no longer feel right to finish. 

In many ways, I’m wondering if these upheavals are for the best, deep down, I know they have to be. I’m contemplating deleting my social media for a bit, and simply getting back to the basics. 

But again, if I am honest, that is a cheap attempt at regaining a sense of control when life has suddenly felt out of control for me.

I left work on time today, courtesy of finishing my class. I headed straight to the gym for a workout. Hard to believe that exercise no longer feels like a punishment from God, but rather, something you do. Anyway, during my workout, I thought about this Summer, and how good and promising life felt. I began to ask myself if this is the natural decline that'll lead me to another peak. 

I've gotten so good at preemptively numbing myself out when life dips, is that a problem? 

Anyway, an error I made - 3 months ago came full circle at work. I was a wreck on Thursday. It seems like the latest item on a laundry list of struggles I'm experiencing in this sector of my life. I was giving it my all a few months back, then it hit me that it didn't really even matter. Certain things aren't win-able. The acceptance and respect I was trying to earn then just kept managing to flee from my grasp and into the lap of someone who didn't really care for it all that much. I'm still grappling with that reality, because, again, it reminds me that I have very little control over these things. 

Interpersonally, I am still metabolizing the shame I have felt around picking wrong, but it is not overriding the reality of life which (once again) - that I have no control over other people. All I can do is my part to try and salvage a salvageable situation if the opportunity presents itself. I'm gonna get that logic to stick one of these days. 

I am realizing that amidst that pressure, I didn't run back to my old ways. I didn't binge, in fact, I lost 4lbs in a week, and some of that was muscle, which hurts, but it's such a cool moment to realize I am not the girl I was more a year and a half ago, trying to regulate via any means possible. I might crack, but I don't stuff myself full to dull that ache and that's wonderful. 

I am dealing with a ton of insecurities and self-criticism. I don't know if I am reacting to an environment I'm in, or projecting on it because it is not something that's fully legible to me. I've felt that way for the past year and I don't know if it makes sense to expect anything else. It's very subtle, but there's an undercurrent there that feels inflammatory to me. An undercurrent of:

 you don't fit in with us..

we prefer them..

you are other..

I'm sure there's a distortion in there somewhere, but that's just how I feel. 80% of my brain function is allocated towards making sense of this and I just ccan't think or focus on my actual tasks.

I'm trying to recover this weekend. 

I'm thinking this is prime time to reconsider a few things here and there.

Back to the drawing board we go.

- vetiveroil