LANGUAGE

​December 9th, 2025

Yesterday I mentioned to my friend/classmate that I thought I was more right-brained. 

We then went on to bond over being very meaning-seeking people and how difficult it made surface level relating, because we just weren't comfortable staying on that plane alone. 

She is someone I am getting to know, and also someone I enjoy speaking to. She is kind, and warm. Calm and also funny. It's hard not to enjoy her company, for those very reasons. 

Well, today I’m thinking of all of the languages I’m learning to speak. All of the rooms I’m learning to stand comfortably in. 

For instance in my career, I’m learning to speak a language I didn’t understand very well at first. I’m starting with the script, learning the alphabet. It dawned on me today that I have absorbed a lot. I know so much compared to a year ago. It makes me proud, because I've studied a lot. Sacrificed a ton for this language. I am still throwing my precious belongings into the fire of repentance and hoping something good comes of it. 

I ask myself from time to time if I'll ever feel like what I continue to sacrifice is worth what's being granted to me in return. I'm admittedly not the best negotiator. I always give more than what I receive because my perception of my own value is so skewed. 

I'm learning to speak a new relational language, one of security, which isn't something that was modeled for me very clearly growing up. I always realize after the fact. I think this intense sacrificial fire I'm applying in my career is stemming from the same ashes. The need to prove myself. I want to feel valuable, and yet the value seems like a little paper crane just going about in the wind and all I can do is continue to chase it. 

Chasing it through accreditation, certifications, skills, courses, and so on..

I enjoy the thrill of learning, sure, but I'd be lying if I said I didn't stop and ask if there is an easier way to go about this. One that doesn't require me to burn all but the clothes on my back. 

And yet, like most other things, I don't have a very good frame of reference and that makes me feel paranoid and insecure about being excellent prey. 

I'm learning to speak a language of functionality and high self-esteem, despite the fact that I never learned it growing up either. All of this growing up is turning me into a polyglot of sorts. I'm here, there, and everywhere. All at once. All the time. At least until I hit a certain threshold. 

I want to look back at myself some years from now and have all I have ever wanted and all that I am toiling for right now. I want the home of my dreams. I want the stability that comes with money. I want the ease and comfort. I want the security of good friendships and communal support. I want the privilege of working at something I enjoy.

I'm working really hard to make these things happen, I'll even take the long road there if it ensures I'll get there. I'll work late hours (later than all of my colleagues), I'll miss out on developmentally appropriate milestones if they aren't in line with my values, I will forgo connections altogether if they don't align with what I want. I don't consider myself to be a ruthless person, but I am quite extreme about this: I will not live in a house I didn't build. 

I just want to be able to give myself options later on. So I am working, and working, and working..because one day it won't always be like this. The way it's been..

One day my home will be finished and I won't even remember what that old house felt like.

I do a lot with the future in mind, don't I?

- vetiveroil