CHANGES

​December 2nd, 2025

I went to bed late last night, but still set my alarms 15 minutes earlier than usual. 

Despite all of that, I woke up this morning with a heavy feeling of unease on my chest. It’s related to work, my plans in the new year, and so on. 

Changes are the one constant in life and yet they never cease to make me anxious. Cold sweats and sleepless nights are a thing again. I find myself clamming up out of anxiety and insecurity - which I resent. 

I keep trying to remind myself that fear and anxiety are much bigger in my head than in reality. I’m quite stealthy and quick on my feet when problems strike, and I adapt quickly. 

Deep, deep down under that fear, I feel protected, I know that I am always being protected, and it makes me more agile when the changes do come too suddenly. 

Everything is going fine, for now, but at times, I worry that something might go wrong and destabilize me altogether. 

Anyway, I’m keeping myself together by counting down the number of classes I have left until the end of the semester (5 as of yesterday) - and also the number of weeks until 2026 (4 weeks!). I just want to usher in change. Ironically, the thing I fear the most is also the thing I crave the most. 

I’m looking forward to my strength training sessions, to swimming again, to having free time again, even if it’s only a little bit. 

- vetiveroil