EMOTIONAL PERFECTIONISM

 December 13th, 2025

When I was younger, I would try again and again to "lose weight" - and time and time again, I would have a bad day and completely derail the entire process. I struggled to look at my reflection while waiting for the changes to happen. I felt hopeless every time I looked at myself. 

Today, I am derailing my future, my progress, and so on, because I can't take the clumsiness of trying to be something other than what I've rehearsed and practiced for twenty four years. 

I forced myself to go to bed last night, because I was not in a good mental space. I couldn't stop myself from crying about the things that I realized yesterday, so I took some melatonin drops and went to bed. 

This morning, I woke up, still stewing in a cocktail of shame, self-loathing, and disillusionment. I ate breakfast, stewed in it some more before I headed to the gym. I didn't wear any makeup given the recent chemical-peel and deep extractions, but I did lather on the sunscreen. I was totally restless for the duration of the workout and my energy tapered towards the last five minutes. I sat alone in the locker room just thinking about it all and feeling the gravity of my shame. I ran errands, and still, the feeling persists. 

I'm not proud of how I've carried myself. In fact, I am deeply ashamed of how porous I can be, and how poorly that reflects whenever I show up socially. I almost wonder how people can tolerate being around me - but that's the self-loathing speaking. 

My inner world is quite expansive, but it's so deep within, I look and feel hollow to other people. And out of not wanting to reveal my hand and risk being misunderstood, I lean into that hollowness and enforce the idea that I am a total airhead. IDK, perhaps I am, I certainly have my moments. But I'd like to think that there is a serious, composed, and intelligent, sentient being in that shell. Even if she remains dormant sometimes. 

This week, I wanted to entertain the idea that I should soften up a bit. That I can be lukewarm instead of COLD. 

I guess my application of concept was..poor, I think I did it incorrectly. 

It felt like a hot slap across the cheek when the realization hit me. I was no longer just soft, but completely boneless. Meaning the entire structure of my personhood was collapsing because it had no structure. I wasn't cold, but I wasn't lukewarm either. 

I have to hone in on my why because I seem to have lost it in the chase of whatever the fuck I've been chasing. 

I'm wanting to consider this:

Perhaps my supposed coldness isn't something to correct (overcorrect) - but rather allow until a certain threshold of familiarity/trust has been crossed. 

Anyway, I am still in a slump, I just want to be in my bed not engaging with the world. I don't know how to alchemize this experience, and I have a feeling that I should share it with someone so it doesn't scar over. In 2025, I can say I've tried new strategies. Not that they've been exactly successful, but I've been trying them. I'm also keeping in mind that I wasn't happier when I was frozen in time, there was just a lot less friction. I want my bones back, I need my bones back. 

Even if the process of cutting myself open to gut them inside my body is painful. 

I can't stand up or walk anywhere otherwise, so I guess I have no choice. 

I'm going to get my bones back, I just have to kick this emotional perfectionism so I can tolerate the blood and gore that comes with the process. There's got to be some value in it, too. 

- vetiveroil