APRIL!

​April 2nd, 2026

April, please be as good to me as March was! 

I’ve been working on hitting my protein goals this week, I’m doing better, though the weight is slow to drop. 

I’m hoping to see results in my composition in the next couple of weeks. I’m certainly working at it. The gym workouts feel good, I’m starting to go longer, and faster, which is a win in my book. 

Work is fine, this week I'm certainly less anxious than those prior. I'm kind of being forced to forgive myself. 

I’m still seeing the same guy. I’m enjoying him a lot. Now asking myself what makes sense, and what doesn’t. He said to me during our last date that he was willing to lend himself to my exploration, and when I asked in what way, he replied: 

“However you want/need” 

And that did something to me (LOL). Now, I’m looking at the situation objectively, and asking myself what makes sense. I am obviously developing amorous feelings for him. It feels like we are starting to bond, and bonding on an unstable surface is as good as my mom would say: 

Lavé men, seché yo atè

(Washing one’s hands, and drying them on the floor).

I said that my objective with dating was fun. I wanted to give myself the experience(s) I wanted to have growing up, but due to circumstances outside of my control, couldn’t and didn’t. I don’t want to take the shortcut way out, and rob myself of that discovery process. Especially since I’ve only just begun to explore the tip of that iceberg. 

That being said, I also am coming to realize that this is someone I’m growing to like, respect, and most importantly: desire. I want to keep him around, and so I’m willing to bend a little. But how much bending is too much bending? Where does it make sense to be porous enough to connect - and where does it make sense to be staunch enough to withstand the turbulent winds that can come with desire? I want him around, and I also want a level of freedom as I continue moving forward. 

It’s odd, so much to think about. It’s important to me that I handle all of my affairs with a level of responsibility - and that’s heavy sometimes. 

I read a piece by a brilliant black female writer I love and follow online about desire: 

So poignantly true about my experience the past few months. Learning to come to terms with my own sensuality, learning to trust my body’s feedback, no matter how intense the sensation feels.

Learning to ride the waves without controlling the force of the tides. Simply swimming when the force requires it, and coasting when it allows.

- vetiveroil