REFLECTIONS ON TWENTY FOUR

​April 6th, 2026

Last night I experienced a “first” and it was both satiating and sobering all at once.

It made me want to write to my ancestors. Both for guidance, and for affirmation that I am indeed finding my way through this world that sometimes feels like cave diving with no flashlight. I slept okay, the answers are still making their way to me. 

Early this morning, I saw a post that struck a cord within me. One of the line items read:

THE WORST CASE SCENARIO IS UNLIVED POTENTIAL, NEVER FAILURE, BECAUSE FAILURE IS STILL A SUCCESS, AN ATTEMPT AT SOMETHING THAT REVEALS MORE VALUABLE INFORMATION FOR THE NEXT TIME YOU DO IT AGAIN.

It really stuck with me, and instantly my mind started wandering back in time. Back in time to my old job, where I was struggling endlessly, but with an end goal in mind. That end goal kept me anchored. I look back and wonder if my old colleagues would recognize me today. I’ve transformed from the inside out. 

I’m thinking about what’s ahead and all that I’m dreaming of accomplishing. 

I think back to even 3 months ago, where failing felt like being disgraced. Failure was debilitating to my ego. I shouldn’t be speaking in past tense, I’m still ruffled whenever I make an error or miscalculate. The only difference between then and now is that I’m more afraid of no movement than I am making an error. 

I’m seeing myself through the lens of all I can be rather than all that I’m afraid to lose, and that shift is monumental. Despite all that can go wrong, and seemingly does routinely, I am in a good place. I've got about 5 months left of twenty four? So much has occurred, I'm sad that I'm ageing out of twenty four, but I feel that life will be speeding up for the better as we move forward. 

Twenty four was a slow process of crouching down until I was bare-kneed and teaching myself to appreciate the basics of what it means to be a bipedal being. It's been the most inelegant and humbling experience ever. Here I am, bare knees on the ground, wondering if I'm balanced enough to stand back up. I'm sure the first few steps will entail lots of tumbling back down, but one day soon, I'll stand back up and walk like a human being. Eventually, I'm sure, I'll learn to stride - or walk proudly like a house cat. And then I'll (almost) forget the brief before between twenty three and twenty four, when I was beginning to crouch, and then when my knees were bloodied and battered at twenty four and half. 

I spoke with my therapist today, about becoming a very "ambitious" woman, and how that's my attempt at finding security in a world that has felt anything but secure. I'm still crawling (clearly), my confidence is up and down, but I think if I keep crawling, I'll find relief eventually. More so than if I stand in place, shifting my weight from knee to knee hoping they stop aching. 

Anyway, today was nice. One day soon, I'll write about yesterday's "first" - it wasn't the fireworks I dreamt of, but it was a first nonetheless.

- vetiveroil