OLD HABITS

 March 17th, 2026

Old habits die hard, and today I found myself clinging to mine. Hard. 

I went on a few dates back to back with a new guy I started seeing. In an odd way, he reconnected me with an old part of myself. A part I was unsure existed. It was quite the thrill.

I said I wanted dating to be a very experimental experience - that I refused to attach myself to outcomes or tie my future to any of them on a contingency. I still want that to be the case, so I am etching it out of my brain that I haven't heard from him in nearly twenty four hours - and shutting down the impulse to ruminate on what it is I did wrong. If anything at all. I simply enjoyed the experience, and the side of me he brought to me. Like taking a walk down the street, only to be led to a stranger's door - only that stranger's door is mine, and it's my own house I'm looking into from the outside in.

I liked it a lot. I keep wondering how to give myself that thrill again. Naturally, my brain said:

Sugar

Sweets

Chocolate

Pastries

Pasta

The list goes on.

I was going with that, until I remembered that food just isn't a substitute. I needed to summon up some more courage, and so i went and paid for my certification and now I have three weeks to study for this test. Either way, I will have to get over myself. I will either pass this test and get a rush from overcoming this little glass ceiling - or I will fail and channel the failure into a win. Either way, I will win this. 

It dawned on me today, like it does every day nowadays, that I am not maximizing out on life. I'm often afraid, uncertain, insecure, and cynical. I guess I would be a lot more energetic if I had more wins on my plate. I think I would have bigger balls. I think I need bigger balls to keep ascending, mine aren't big enough as is.

Anyway, I'm getting a good night's rest tonight, so that tomorrow, I can put into action how it is I am going to give myself the best chance at passing this test three weeks from now.

I'm not sure if that thrill of a man I crossed paths with so briefly is gone for good, but I think I'm okay with either outcome. I'm the biggest thrill I'll ever experience, and I'm certain I can experience that as long as I get out of my own way. 

My life thus far has been riddled with self-doubt, but if there's one thing I'm making off limits - even just to myself, it's my own ability to enact change. I'm damn good at enacting change. I just don't want it to only come from a place of being fed up.

So yea, like I said before, my balls aren't nearly big enough. 

- vetiveroil