MEMENTO MORI

 March 14th, 2026

Today was a good day. 

I had a second date with a guy I've been seeing for a few weeks. He was the perfect gentleman. He gifted me a small bouquet (4 velvet red roses), paid for our dates, made sure to stand near the street when we walked on the sidewalk, and took care of all I needed.

That all felt very sweet. But also freeing, because I realize I'm not seeking anything from him - nor do I feel I need anything from him. I'm having fun.

It dawned on me today, that I am having my way with life, in my very own way. That's amusing. 

A few months ago, I was still trying to glue together a paper house with spit and wondering why the walls kept separating moments after I'd reglued them moments prior. A series of upheavals later and I'm coming out on the other side, I think. I'm in a good place with myself for the time being. I'm granting my system the space for pleasure, and the breakthroughs are coming, so I must be doing something right.

Suddenly I'm no longer a disobedient dog resisting its owner's leash. 

I'm a person walking through her life. That's reassuring. 

As an adult, I stumble quite often, despite the fact that I know how to walk. I've been doing it since infancy. Perhaps I should give myself grace. It's necessary to give myself grace. It just is.

Tomorrow I have a dinner date, and I'll possibly GoKart-ing. I've never done that before which is cool. I did say I wanted to be more expressive. The pressure cooker I'm used to living in, is perhaps just the passage through a sort of cosmic womb. It's necessary to go through the process to be born.

I never really had a choice, I can't live in that pressure cooker forever, so I have to pass through it to get through it. 

Anyway, today I thought a lot about courage, and my lack thereof. It's something I want to unpack, but the seed has certainly been planted. I'm needing to exercise it more, I think that's why I haven't been as happy as I could be, and why I haven't always gotten what I need from life despite it being well within reach. I started putting together a "goal tree" yesterday. I'll figure out how to get to all of the things I want and deserve. 

I'm finding a way to pool up some courage so that my ambitions don't swallow me whole.

Courage is another entry for another day. I'm going to metabolize today's fun. 

- vetiveroil