REFLECTIONS ON A DATE / A GOOD DAY

​March 30th, 2026

Last night I tossed and turned, and at the forefront of my mind was a date I had on Saturday with a man I've started to develop feelings for. All day today, I've thought of him. Wondering when he'll text, what he'll say next, how it'll feel the next time I'm touched by him, whether he'll find me attractive, or the appeal will wear off. That is, I guess, the nature of attachment, and why it's such a killer.

When I want something, I expect something. Not that it's bad to expect things, but it hurts when reality cannot rise up to meet it - and it seldom does. 

At least in the way I feel I need it to in order to scratch that itch. 

Anyway, to avoid gnawing at the opening of my expectations - like you would if you kept scratching an open wound, I am sitting at the dinner table, writing this entry, making my dinner, and then getting ready to study. You know - the things I can control at the moment. 

I had therapy today, I didn't want to go, but to my surprise, we went "deep" - and I just mean the insights weren't just surface level. We spoke about my past, and naturally it led to me reconnecting that with my present and future in a very cyclical way.

We spoke about how my late childhood and early teens primed me to anticipate cruelty from others. How that's connected to my inability to settle down and lay roots - I thought about how even now, I avoid getting comfortable and laying down roots. I'm secretly afraid of being comfortable. 

I'm reflecting on this man I've been seeing and how his willingness to lean in recently was both enthralling and terrifying all at once. But he's besides the point right now. 

Today was a great day. Few stressors, lots of time to think. 

I didn't study today, I'm not sure I'm handling things responsibly. I'm getting distracted.

Will have to lock in and cram tomorrow.

- vetiveroil