RELEARNING MY BODY

 March 7th, 2026

I woke up at 11AM today, ate a solid breakfast, and rolled around in my bed like a snake metabolizing its prey. After about an hour or so, I got dressed and went to the gym to get in a workout.

A Twitter account I love and follow pointed out how a 1H profection year is typically a year of redefining one's connection with their own body. I think back to last one (age twelve) - and how hopeful a time that was. 

I got my first period at age twelve, and that set a lot into motion. I was hardly equipped with the right people to model what a healthy relationship to my body should look like. 

In fact, I think that period of my life was marked by trying to survive and navigate a lack of safety more than anything else. Though I started that cycle really excited and hopeful, it's taken another twelve years to really come into my own in the way I deserved (even back then). That cycle catapulted me into a twelve year journey that entailed a lot of confusion, a lot of self-criticism, and shame around my own natural attributes. I have been a deeply self-conscious individual in that time. 

Despite the hopefulness, I think that set into motion a really arduous cycle of self-criticism (very Virgo ascendant experience). I'm in the early stages of unlearning that filth currently. I am asking myself these days, how i want the next twelve years of my life to be structured. 

Through shame? No. 

By internalizing the projections of others? No. 

Through incessant self-critiques? No. 

Through morphing myself into what I am not intrinsically? No. 

Following the latest fads? No.

Continuing the cycle of polishing the veneer while the living organism rots beneath it? NO!

Right now, I am doing the right things, the correct things:

✔ Resisting the impulse to bury discomfort in cheap pleasures. 

✔ Getting manicures to maintain cuticle/nail health. 

✔ Following my dermatologist's regimen daily without missing a single beat.

✔ I am taking my multi-vitamins.

✔ Eating my protein and fiber. 

✔ Moving my body everyday.   

✔ Sleeping a minimum of seven hours every night. The list goes on. 

✔ Leaving my hair to just be.  

I guess in a very vain (but honest) way, the goal of all of these rituals is to sustain a more attractive physical appearance. I guess that's an okay objective, but I realize I have to be conservative in setting my limits - in the past, I've gone very far in trying to maintain an aesthetically appealing look while being deeply unwell underneath it. It's a bad habit. 

Maybe that starts with redefining my definition of attractive/appealing to align more closely with inner harmony (2H Libra) rather than the more shallow interpretations of the sign. Historically, my understanding of what's appealing has been almost exclusively defined by other people - sometimes it was easy to miss because I was internalizing their judgements and rigidly imposing them on myself as some sort of benchmark for how to look, and ultimately who to be. 

I guess it dawned on me that I am truly getting a chance at redefining how my life experience will go this time around - in every regard, but especially this one. It's a daunting task at times, but at least the next twelve years can be vastly different from what it was the previous twelve years. 

In practice, chasing that objective looks like recognizing the cues. For instance, I've been overwhelmed with anxiety the past two days. I've been struggling with work, and as a result, kind of lashing out. Then, I came to my senses and it dawned on me to feel self-conscious about my behavior. It's been eating me alive. The me from that previous paradigm would've buried her head in the sensation of pleasure (a la Audre Lorde) - while being wholly committed to suppressing the feeling/need behind that impulse. 

For instance, yesterday, I went and got in a great workout, despite feeling like shit that entire day/week. 

Then, I went home and let loose with food. It was a little bit like being on autopilot, though not quite like bingeing (intensity-wise). 

Today, similar pattern: I ate like shit, I paid for this movie I've been trying to watch, but can't quite pay attention to, and I'm periodically agonizing over someone I've started seeing - even though the connection really does not require any of that. 

It's my Taurus moon's way of trying to self-soothe. In recognizing that, I have so much more empathy for myself and my so-called vices. Part of rewriting a new paradigm in this cycle, is not being my own biggest critic (bully) when I screw up. I didn't have that understanding six months ago when I. believed that I could press forward through gritted teeth and a tight leash around my neck. That's oddly reassuring. 

I guess I have to figure out a way to confront my anxiety without going back and gnawing at my own tail because there's no food in sight and I am desperate. Intuitively, I know I am beyond such a desolate place. 

I am finding a way out of this valley, and I just know it'll feel damn good when I reach that peak.

I'm pushing through, not through gritted teeth on this one.  

- vetiveroil