LIMERENCE

 July 27th, 2025

This morning I did my makeup, wore earrings, and slicked my hair back (as much as I could in its current state). What I intended to do was buy coffee and go to the park for another long walk, but then it started to pour vigorously, so I ended up at the gym, over-done, smelling like my Rose-Oudh tincture..trying to catch my breath on a treadmill - sweat running down my temples.  

For what it's worth, I left still looking good.

I saw that the gallery I used to frequent earlier this year was having a celebration to commemorate the program I knew them for, as well as a farewell because they are shutting down for the time being. A part of me was wanting to shower, dress myself elegantly, and go - partially because I'd like to attend and commemorate what's happening, but mostly because I hoped I'd see someone I haven't crossed paths with in some time. 

It was sometime in March when we first crossed paths. 

I had stumbled into the gallery purely by chance and boredom. I found myself performing a series of menial tasks for the hell of it, because at the time, I was searching for another anchor. I was finding my way back to something I loved (the arts) - and a culture I grew up resenting, and thus didn't quite know how to accept and reintegrate.

Then I briefly crossed paths with someone who looked so good, was so well-mannered, and had such a gentle demeanor, and it made me spiral. 

Today, I was tempted to re-simulate the feeling I got when I first crossed paths with him, by manipulating a connection that was never really there. Seems like I've perfected my method to breaking my own heart, and it starts just like that. 

I think of him from time to time, not as intensely as I did 3 months ago, but it still lingers. A part of me wonders if I sabotaged a possible connection with someone I imagined myself to be equally yoked with, but I am almost certain that is not the case. 

I keep asking myself what it is he brought out of me that I long for so much, and I'll say this:

When we crossed paths, it had been probably about three years since I even felt genuine attraction to a man. Outside of physicality, I felt there was a degree of resonance there - he reminded me of myself and I wanted to connect. I did not care to connect with men for some time prior to that exchange. I was..numb(?) to them, mostly. 

I binged on the feeling, like I often do.

He had a very gentle demeanor, soft-spoken, and I didn't feel threatened by him or suspicious of him on account of him being a stranger. I felt comfortable in his presence, and so I think my brain interpreted that comfort as a signal that we should get closer. I don't know if he felt the same, because honestly anytime he came close I just froze. Like a lamb to the slaughter I don't even think I allowed myself to breathe for fear of giving myself away. 

But, I think at its core it didn't feel like we 'met' it felt like I wanted to devour him (LOL). And I can't connect with something I want to consume. Maybe that's why we never crossed paths again, despite my feeling that we might someday. 

It's particularly humiliating because I allowed myself to accept the fact that I had a "crush" - and to possibly face rejection or scorn feels uniquely daunting under those circumstances. 

I've since (mostly) dropped hope of seeing him again, if I did see him, I'm not sure what I'd do or say. I don't trust that I wouldn't consume him whole (again). Men feel really destabilizing to me.

Another one bites the dust, I suppose.

- vetiveroil