SAYRA'S

July 19th, 2025

Today I drove to a wine bar in Brooklyn. I was hoping to secure a venue for my birthday party, but upon arrival, I found that I didn't care for the neighborhood or actual bar very much...I was able to commission my birthday cake, that I am very happy about. 

I'm in disbelief that twenty-four is now on my doorstep, it feels like I accomplished so much, but in comparison to my desires, it feels very little. While driving through Brooklyn and the Western tip of Long Island, I was taking mental notes of which areas I liked the most, and which areas were particularly affluent or culturally homogenized. My brain also couldn't help but note the unkempt, clearly impoverished areas as well as what the people who inhabited them looked like. It all felt so extreme. I began to feel sad at how limiting poverty is, how political something as abstract as beauty could be and how so much of what we can accomplish is dictated by the amount of resources we have available to us -- something so out of our control. I briefly entertained the idea of going into Urban Planning/Design, but something about that still feels like a misfit for me. 

I'm not sure what was in the air, I kept seeing angel numbers out the ass (777, 444, 333) -- felt like it was in regards to something specific, but I just don't know what. I enjoyed the quality time I got to spend with my mom, I feel immense gratitude for her presence, though there's a lot we don't see eye to eye on. 

My mind kept wandering off to a man I met 3 months ago, and I feel as though I'd give anything to be in his presence again. I rarely feel safe among men, and so that experience was novel for me, and I keep finding myself longing for it and more. I wish I'd never crossed paths with him. 

I ate like shit today, and every time I eat like shit it feels like I binged again. I'm not sure I binged. I went for a 2 hour walk, and by the time I got back into my car, it was already around 3pm. The walk was good, it helped me find silence for a bit, long enough to examine my desires. I watched a tiktok about how "luxury lifestyles" were so maladjusted to the volatile times we are currently living in. It brought things into perspective for me, and I'm still marinating on that. I know that I enjoy nice things, and I know that I envision a certain life for myself that I am working on bringing to fruition. 

How much of that is illusionary? An overcompensation for the things that I want to feel? (Love, security, respect, recognition)..it's been a long-term theory of mine (which I don't imagine is a groundbreaking idea by any means) that all of our desires are basic in a sense. The human brain is very simple in terms of need. We all need, and therefore desire security, connection, sustenance, etc. and the means and methods might differ greatly - but it can all be traced back to a very basic need. I've been examining my current desires and how they align with my needs.

I think I question my own motives a lot. I want to know my needs, not just the desires they are expressed by. I'm wondering if I have the courage to admit to myself that I have any needs. Even if my behavior and actions are painfully and obviously a cry for help. 

- vetiveroil