LA GRIMAS NEGRAS
November 13th, 2025
I'm oscillating between frustration at still being here, and simultaneously feeling gratitude for the growing capability to demolish what's there and and build a home of my own. Grueling as the process has been, I am breaking through - excruciatingly slow.
I took off work tomorrow for a slew of Doctor's appointments, I am excited to sleep in, even if just for a bit more. I managed to clear off my plate at work, so I can enjoy my weekend with minimal guilt or dread at what I have to do come Monday. That's the way I like it.
♦ ON DESIRE:
All day today, I was semi-distracted by this feeling of desire. It was raw desire, this time.
Usually desire is a strand - accompanied by two others: guilt and shame. They fuse together in my chest, my stomach, the back of my neck, and at my temples, like a long cascading braid:
♦
The sequence continues like a never ending spiral until I snap and of course piece myself back together for the next event.
Not today. I felt the heat of desire for desire's sake. The idea of being looked at by another person didn't make my shoulders cave. It didn't make my stomach drop, or my head bow in shame. Instead, my shoulders spread, my chest widened, there were butterflies in my stomach and I wanted to lean in, too. I can't remember the last time I ever felt that way.
I quite liked the feeling, even though I am unsure of where it'll take me, if anywhere at all.
Today I went around the old house, from room to room, gauging what was within my control to tidy. The house seemed rife with opportunity. Maybe it was the curtains I pulled back, streaks of sunlight touched my skin as I walked from corner to corner and room to room.
I entered a room which triggered the desire, it's largely unfurnished, but the sunlight cascading through the curtain made me stop and marvel. Perhaps something of value sits outside of that window. Perhaps it is something I'll get a chance to touch and it won't sting this time around.
I didn't know why I kept circling that room and staring out of that window. I wasn't expecting it. I didn't admit to myself that traces of beauty of comfort could be found if I paid attention. Again, I am not looking to stay here permanently, and despite all evidence telling me other wise - I am just passing through. I guess I've missed a lot of micro-doses of beauty in that escape plan.
I won't drift off quite yet, though the view felt nice. I even leaned in to feel it on my face.
I guess the pleasure in that is the desire felt brighter amongst the shame and the guilt. I simply enjoyed that warm flutter and figured I could indulge in it quietly without too much of the other two. Though a part of me wondered:
How'd that light get in here?
What's it illuminating?
Am I worthy enough to reach out for it?
I simply revelled in it, silently, of course - in lieu of seeking out an answer to those questions.
♦ JUPITER IN PURNAVASU, SATURN'S PROMISE:
I'd like to think that my ancestors are indeed batting for me once again. I half-prayed (meaning, I let the thoughts out, but didn't record them) about the path forward. Unclear as it all remains, I think it will come forward quite cohesively. I realized about a week ago I fucked up again on another project, as shameful as it felt at the time, I didn't have the bandwidth to do anything about it, so I've been waiting.
The worst has not yet come to pass.
Perhaps it's wishful thinking, but I believe I will move past it.
I've been in dire need of a break. Renovations are taxing in every sense, and the house still doesn't feel the least bit comfortable. When I get a moment, I go back to working on my blueprints. I find some solace in doing that, because it makes me feel like I'm not just here twiddling my thumbs. It's all I have, really. It's coming together rather slowly which irritates me like hell, but it is coming together nonetheless. I used to pray for a moment when I could pull back that curtain and feel sunlight on my face, even briefly. Saturn's promise is that we all get what we put in - and I've put in a lot. I haver to convince myself that it's coming out on the other end and one of these days I'll see a foundation being established. One that I chose, this time.
I saw a job listing today, it was near ideal - keyword here is near. I didn't feel compelled to apply to it. I still want to figure out where next to go. I believe the answer is on its way and so I'll linger.
I thought of someone I used to know very briefly today and am hoping they are well.
Today was as good as it gets without the extremes i'll put myself through. I am grateful.
I'm choosing to let some light in, even though I am deeply ashamed of this old house.
- vetiveroil
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