STEPS

August 5th, 2025

I forgot to pray again this morning. 

I also realized I like it here, a lot, actually. 

The process all feels very convenient, which is nice.

I ended up leaving work early again, this time for a Gyno appointment. Everyone complimented me, and I guess the weight loss is evident now, which should make me feel good, but it just leaves a funny feeling in my stomach, which I think is resentment. I weighed 4 pounds more than what my scale tells me at home, and my heart has been racing since. I wonder if eating like shit the past week is to blame, but it makes me want to get back on track and never get off. 

After that appointment, I ended up in a therapy session, and it was oddly insightful. We divulged some of my past history, and it was strange segmenting and dissecting my own childhood in that way. Yet, I didn't feel very ashamed. My therapist asked if I had any men I felt were "role models" for me at any point, and I replied no. She seemed taken aback, and yet it never really bothered me. 

I could never relate to men that well, and so having one as a role model never felt particularly significant or sensical. 

On another note, everything has been aligned for my upcoming course this fall. That feels really good. I could not for the life of me get ahold of the student services department today, even though I really wanted to dot my I's and cross my T's. I spoke with my coworker, pretty candidly, actually, about our goals and our desires. I confided in her, that what we currently do isn't my end goal. I'm learning to take what I can and get the hell on, but this isn't even close to where I see myself ending up. 

She and I agreed that the industry was very cutthroat, and it feels like we're being initiated into it. There’s a degree of rigidity I’m sensing in the people around me. There is literally no room for error, and I hate it so much. It just feeds the monster within, and I find myself being more critical of myself than anything else. I don't think my future self is supposed to feel that way. I envision my highest self as happy, free of the usual inhibitions that plague most, creative, open, full of life, and at the very least, I enjoy my work and the things I do feel rife with meaning. 

That is the baseline I'm chasing, and I believe in my ability to recognize the right opportunities based on how it is I feel when they are presented to me. 

Right now, doors are opening up for me, and amidst the excitement is a deep seated fear that I’m just not good enough to walk through them standing upright. 

For instance, I start my new course in about three weeks, and while the anticipation was primarily due to me wanting it so badly - I’m really doubting my ability to perform, and to perform well. The course is highly technical, and granted, this is a beginner course, so we will be learning the very basics, but my brain can't comprehend it right now and so it translates it into fear instead.

I know what I want, ultimately, I know I have what I need to bring it all to fruition. 

I guess I just fear making mistakes (which is silly!).

I fear that making a mistake confirms what I’ve internalized about myself:

I’m not good enough.

I’m not capable.

Mistreatment towards me is justified.

None of those things are particularly true. I would know because I've made plenty of mistakes before, and the world never stood still.

I guess I'm illuminating the tunnel as I walk through it, and so there will be brief periods of darkness.

I have hope for more light, and with that, I'm going to bed.

- vetiveroil