SCRUTINY

August 4th, 2025

This morning, despite having ample time to spare, I forgot to complete my prayer ritual before leaving the house.

That's a first of many weeks for me, and I felt awful about it at first, though today is overwhelmingly positive. 

I’m asking myself today, are there certain levels of self-scrutiny that become dangerous to a person’s well-being?

I keep trying to sniff out the root of something. And yet, I can’t really find it. Ambivalent attachment? Weak will? Dysregulated nervous system? Lack of healthy socialization? Propensity towards self-harm? Thinking about oneself too much?

I’m running myself into a spiral trying to figure out why I am the way that I am, and in turn, why I keep feeling the way I feel. Why there seems to be so much friction with other people. Even when they’re okay, I never feel fully settled. That, or I feel utterly ashamed of myself in relation to them.

I’m trying to implement more movement again, later I’ll go a long walk, since I’ll have some time. I'm learning again and again that an idle body is the gateway to all my mental ailments. I’m my most stable when I can exhaust myself physically, and let my brain run on its own course - which it seems to do anyway.

Today is one of those days where nothing seems to be going correctly at work, and I feel strangely comforted by that. Work keeps forcing me to come to terms with the fact that I'll never be that perfect, seamless girl I so deeply crave to be. In fact, I probably screw up more than others would, and yet I'm finding my footing, and establishing an unbridled form of self trust because I have no other option. That's really nice. 

I keep remembering not to place too much emphasis on the reactions that people have to me, because that's not a very objective way of gauging where I stand. Yet, the Virgo in me wants to keep taking stock of all the data to measure up how well I am doing.

I’m not this rigid naturally, at least I’m not always, not towards myself. I think I’m most rigid when I need a sense of control. When I need something to grasp, something I can predict. And that’s when I become my worst critic and enemy.

I hate being so prickly, and yet I don’t mean to be. Everything just hurts and I understand how it can feel like a minefield trying to be around me, but again - I don’t mean to be. I also know that is a comfort to no one. 

Strangely enough, I never reach out to people for comfort in those periods. Their comfort just feels hollow, like I’m being flattered with empty praise, and that never feels good to me.

Every so often, I have to keep myself from gnawing at my own tail for comfort.

Not that it doesn't happen, but I just can't keep being my own worst enemy anymore. 

Movement is the conduit of life, so I’m going to keep moving.

Today's fortune reads:

— vetiveroil