INTEGRITY

August 11th, 2025

9:14AM - Integrity

Due to some irresponsible actions taken in the past, I’ve been reflecting a lot on the concept of integrity. What it is, how it looks, what it means to have it - where my lines are drawn, essentially.

Nothing catastrophic happened today, despite what my brain has been telling me. I had two separate chances to go back and revisit my bad deed - I didn't. I prayed this morning for protection as well as the wisdom to know what to do. I'm not sure if my spirit or just my fear of making things worse was running the show, but I figured the prayer was working. Covering my tracks feels a little bit like revisiting and I don't want to revisit. 

12:22PM - My Desert Rose:

I saw 2 of the blooms had snapped off over the weekend. My desert rose is now down to one fully bloomed flower, and one on the verge of ripening. I believe this is the last bloom of the season. That makes me weirdly bittersweet. I'm very attached to this plant. The symbolism of it all - it reminds me that every season won't be your season, and also to savor the blooms while they are happening, and maybe even retroactively as well. I took so many pictures! I'll cherish her forever, I'm so excited to see how the blooming cycle looks next year. I have a good amount of my desert rose fertilizer left, I'm hoping it does well in the winter. 

6:43PM - North-East:

I just got back from a little walk, I went directly after work so I wouldn't be tempted to stay in the house doom scrolling. it was through my neighborhood, and it made me realize how much of a growing disdain I have for North-Eastern culture. I've been greeted once by a neighbor in my two weeks of living here. It's very much the norm to even avoid eye contact, if you can help it. It's very isolating, I'm sure I've thought that before, but today it really hit me.

While on my walk, the most serendipitous thing happened! I'm walking back home, listening to music and sort of thinking to myself about the kind of man I'd be impressed by when a car pulling out of the driveway almost runs me over - I stopped dead in my tracks, look down at the license plate and it reads "2222" after pausing, I proceed and the car in front of me's license plate reads "444" - I look up, and my eyes meet with the house across the street, the number over the mailbox reads "222" it was the eeriest thing ever! I was a little distracted after that, but besides that, it was all okay. 

Social Harmony:

My sister came and gave me an early birthday present, she is always spoiling me with gifts, which I so appreciate! Our relationship is in a good spot right now, despite the fact that I know she did not appreciate my taking something she wanted. I'm realizing that being on good terms in my interpersonal life is deeply important to me! When I was thinking about the kind of man I liked, I was having a moment where (this is def maladaptive daydreaming) where I was listing out the qualities that I respected:

Sensitive, Kind, Respectful, Good social acumen, Creative, Intelligent...

So 2H Libra coded (LOL). Perhaps my 11H sun traits are starting to show, but social harmony is incredibly important to me, and it seems like the times in my life when I'm the most down bad happen to be when that sense of connection and community is missing. Which is funny, because that's been most of my life. Maybe this is my brain's way of trying to integrate these qualities. 

I want to buy more incense. I found this great Etsy shop that sells very high quality incense sticks from India, Asia and the Gulf. I got a nice batch of Mysore Sandalwood from them, which I burned. It smelled great, but not in a perfumed way - in a very organic, clean way, which I appreciate. That being said, I'm itching to burn my heavier bakhoors - I pulled them out of cardboard boxes over the weekend, and to my surprise, I still have a pretty sizeable stash. 

At work today, I realized that I do not care for granite very much, but I love Onyx, because it reminds me of Travertine. I'm very vain.

I've yet to finalize my terms and conditions for the year, and my birthday is practically here. I am reminding myself that this is my journal and I can really write what I want in it. 

Nothing about it is so sacred that it has to be perfect. I can literally publish my half assed entries with bad grammar and no one will hit me for it. 

I'm watching a documentary on Hurricane Katrina and I find it to be extremely triggering. 

That's all I have to say this evening. I need a shower, and a good meal. 

I'm craving a really wet and fudgey piece of gingerbread cake. 

And an edible..but that's reserved for the weekends only.

- vetiveroil