FOOD NOISE

 November 23rd, 2025

Is my life starting to revolve around food again?

It's because I've become lonely and afraid again, isn't it?

I'm uncertain about a lot, fearful of it all.

School? Work? Men? Beauty? Desirability? 

Why isn't therapy working for me lately?

Why do I need the validation to feel human? 

To feel like a whole person, instead of a fraction of one.

I've come really far in my relationship with my body,

But all I can think about is how to drop these last thirty pounds. 

And how my breasts no longer look how they used to.

And how my ass is shrinking. 

And how I can't actually let anyone in until I look the way I want to.

The way I'm supposed to.

And how not to regain. 

I guess my vanity is a proxy for connection. 

I want to be beautiful.

I'm working on looking my best everyday,

That way I can't be rejected again,

And if I am, I can be certain it wasn't because I failed to look good enough. 

I'm struggling a lot to figure out how to connect.

In the past, no one ever wanted to connect with me.

Trying to never yielded much aside from humiliation and shame. 

So I no longer remember how to try - I just scan. 

Scan for signs that you're withdrawing and pulling away,

Signs that there is someone else,

Signs that I'm in danger of being discarded or humiliated again.

I'm finding that I suck at being rooted in the present.

I'm either too far behind, trying to avoid re-experiencing those feelings. 

Or too far ahead, trying to avoid the stall of today. 

Trying to take my mind off of what I said no longer mattered. 

So yes, as of late - my life is revolving around food. 

- vetiveroil