DISSOCIATION, SAFETY, & NEW RELATIONAL MODELS

 November 8th, 2025

Today I had a good day (though it is still ongoing). 

I woke up and ate, and rot in bed for a few hours. It was well after 2PM when I finally left the house and did my laundry for the week. I stopped by a Jeweler to finally get my beloved gold necklace repaired, it cost me $25 which doesn't feel bad at all. 

I'm picking it up sometime next week. 

I went for a walk while my clothes were in the dryer, I was able to get in a mile and it was sixty-something degrees, so I basked in how good the sun felt on my skin. Afterwards, I went home, made my bed, ate an orange, and took my supplements before heading to the gym.

I had the best workout! I don't know if it was the fact that I ate beforehand, but I had so much energy. 

I reminded myself to it more often when my schedule freed up. 

During the 35 minutes I was on the treadmill (sweating bullets from all of the carbs, sugar, and salt I've been eating this week) my mind was darting around about different things:

1. How I need to lock in and drop these last 30 lbs (naturally, preferably) by Spring '26. 

2. What my Spring/Summer would look like next year. 

3. Which direction I should take with continuing my education and/or working. 

4. How to make more money. 

5. If it's worth it to chase the money or stop while things are slow and finish (restart) my degree. 

6. How I could travel, I want to go to either Southern Spain or Amsterdam. 

7. To bookmark the Shepard's Pie recipe I saw earlier to make for my meal-prep this week. 

8. If it was realistic to want a Valentine's date next year. 

9. How life wasn't so bad right now, though it is exhausting and very high-pressure in my mind. 

10. That I needed to finish my vision board. 

11. How this iron/ferritin supplementation should be in full effect by next Spring.

And just about everything else under the sun..

MODELING SAFETY BY EXTENDING IT INWARDS:

On my way to the gym, I saw a TT video that really insightful and made me think about something that's been on the tip of my tongue. She was saying how someone had told her that they found her to be untrustworthy because she demonstrated carelessness towards herself by way of allowing people to mishandle her. 

P.S - I've recently developed some qualms about the term allow in terms of interpersonal relationships. At the moment, I don't believe there to be such a thing as allowing someone to do something, because to an extent, the behaviors/actions of other people are not in within our realm of control. I've had to reframe it this way for myself in order to extend myself grace (to myself) for not using my autonomy to create distance between me and someone (people) who hurt me. That could've been better communication, acknowledging that their behavior was, in fact hurting me and giving them a chance to fix it, or simply cutting ties if the issue was fundamental. 

So that video reminded me of my friend, S. 

She is someone I've grown to deeply appreciate, and really respect - and though I don't say this very often, she is someone that I trust. I think the reason why I've grown to trust her is because I realize that she is someone with integrity, that she is honest, that she has a short tolerance for mistreatment or injustice. And it makes me think about the times where she has really shown up for me - sometimes by just acknowledging what I fear admitting to myself, and it makes me feel insecure. More succinctly, it highlights the absence of siad qualities in me, and makes me wonder if I'll be able to mirror her friendship in that way. 

I think the video got it right in this sense: sometimes the best indication of what we can expect from people, is by observing what they've normalized being done to them. For better or for worse, that is extremely telling. I am keeping this in mind as I move forward. 

THE 12H URGE TO WITHDRAW (DISSOCIATE) & NORTH-EASTERN CULTURE:

Something I have been confronting lately is how dysregulated my nervous system is. 

Especially so in socializing. I realize that I tend to just tense up and freeze in social situations. That, and the retreat that follows, I guess from the outside looking in must feel like a door being slammed shut, but to me, it's trying to maintain some semblance of safety in what feels like wandering into abject wilderness. 

I feel unsafe around people, because historically speaking they've been sources of grief, self-consciousness, rejection, and fear. I have been dipping my toes into this with my therapist (though in a different context) - so much of my early experiences have been..confusing, scary, and overwhelmingly negative. That's forged a very negative self-concept in the presence and low trust in people overall. Both are things I am working on correcting. 

I guess that conditioning is also being reinforced by cultural norms. North-Eastern culture is relatively closed off to strangers, displays of warmth, enthusiasm, etc. are not openly welcomed - and are looked at suspiciously. For instance, I've lived in my town for three months, and I don't think I've exchanged hellos with any of my neighbors except for an older couple next door. People avoid making eye contact on the street, don't often respond to greetings if they don't know you, and even cross the street to avoid making contact (this could very well be a microaggression, I'm not really sure). My point is that I am realizing that to re-shape my relational model I have to walk the fine line between respecting and following cultural norms and doing things that remind me that other humans aren't inherently unsafe (which I believe they are at the moment). 

Through a series of mini somatic practices, I've been able to bring some awareness to my dissociation - which has been happening for so long, it's almost muscle memory. I can leave my body so easily and quickly now that it's a challenge to stay in it. Sometimes I find myself looking through people instead of at them because the latter feels daunting and unsafe, but the former gives me just enough to work with. If people don't respond when I say hello, that part of my brain says "what's the point in saying it?" If people actively cross the street to avoid me (this may not be targeted or personal) - it takes me back to elementary school when I am actively being avoided and can't understand why. That rejection of primixity (closeness) has a similar pain associated with it that I just don't like to risk feeling or experiencing again, so I keep my distance. 

That distance is reinforced by more distance from those around me who probably just mirror this behavior, and it's like a cycle that never ends. I am in a place where I'm re-teaching myself how to socialize, and it's strange. 

For such a long time, what I came to expect from other people was: unkindness, rejection, coldness, betrayal, humiliation, dishonesty, and all things of that liking. 

What I am trying to allow myself to accept from others: Kindness, support, help, love, acceptance, friendship, warmth. 

I think it is present, I just tend to mistrust it a lot. I guess that's a me-issue than anything else. 

I'm re-learning the basics. This week it is making eye contact with people and looking at them rather than through them. 

This Jupiter in Cancer transit is working on me! 

- vetiveroil