A FUTURE DEFERRED:
November 29th, 2025
The nostalgia of what I used to know is eating me alive. I never noticed myself transitioning out of it. It's like I blinked and was surrounded by strangers.
I'm circling this area between no longer caring about the ideals I made up in my head as a lonely child - but on the opposite extreme end, being extremely attached to those visions because it felt like a matter of life and death for me at one point.
I guess I wanted life to be light, and airy, and soft. The opposite of what life has been for me so far.
Seems like I just can't escape it - I can't pedal fast enough to outrun it. It sticks to me.
I swore off wishful thinking and the pitfalls of nostalgia, but there are times when I wonder:
1. Will I ever make up for lost time?
2. Will I ever get those moments I missed out on?
3. Is anyone coming back for me?
4. Is this it?
5. Will I ever not feel underwhelmed by life?
6. Is there such a thing as retrospective youth?
7. Can I pedal backwards and rest for a minute?
Will the backwards motion release some of this tension? Will it allow me to breathe without feeling like my chest will cave in on itself? I've been pedaling forward for a while, and it hasn't eased up very much. Each day is still a struggle, a heavy, ongoing struggle. I don't indulge myself too much with what could be, but to be honest, I do binge on thoughts of what I wish was instead of what is.
In my daydreams, I'm a totally different girl. One without a tainted past, one not contaminated by sadness and consequent unhappiness. One that is light, and airy, and soft.
I guess ultimately what I wonder most is whether there's anything left for me? Do I get a fair shot at the end of this? Or have I missed it in the pedalling forward?
Unfortunately I just don't know. No one answers me when I ask.
So I am carrying on, which is the only thing I've ever known how to do. The only thing I can do.
- vetiveroil
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