YEAR 2

August 7th, 2025

Last night I felt really tender. I found myself in tears, and then it hit me - my luteal phase. 

The good news is that the tenderness vanished by morning, but the aftertaste lingered. 

At work, YouTube started playing this video, completely by chance.

An interesting part that caught my attention was when he spoke about about how in children, there’s often a “split” that occurs in how they view their caregivers. They’ll split the parent into two separate people the “good” parent and the “bad” parent to help them make sense of why a single person can occupy these different roles - loving, and yet sometimes cruel. 

Yesterday, we had a relative over the house. She was there with her two young kids, and the little girl (about 6 years old) ran up behind me in the kitchen, and audaciously opened our fridge door to see what was in it. In an instant, her mom pounced on her, and gave her a firm smack on the behind and scolded her for her bad manners. I watched as her lip quivered and she started to cry. When her mom asked why she was crying she shouted “because you’re always screaming at me!” and ran off in tears. The interaction felt so familiar. 

I couldn’t help but feel bad for her. Ultimately, I thought of that incident as I listened to the lecture. There will always be (at least for me) a dichotomy when it comes to the people I love. On one hand, people can be wonderful, I've found. It's nice to feel understood, to laugh, to have company, and so on. On the other hand, if misaligned - or whatever reason things go awry, it's deeply scarring, and that's the part I can't get past.

I’m in a Personal Year 2 according to numerology (a fact that slipped my mind completely until today). Themes of the number 2 include: partnership, harmony, connection, intuition, etc. In shorthand, the number 2 symbolizes the feminine principle. I’ve always had a strong affinity for the number, but those tropes have always felt better in theory for me, than in practice.

Now that I think about it, that friction I feel around others has been a very big highlight thus far. I'm finding that my old ways of dealing with it (supression and avoidance, namely) just don't do it for me anymore. Maybe Saturn is wreaking havoc in my 7H and that's why I feel the way I do. Maybe this is just the natural evolution of things and I have to ride that wave without complaining about it, or succumbing to it (entirely). 

I saw a TikTok video earlier about how being a “friendly” person, contrary to popular belief does that not make you naïve or weak, because the exposure and experience you gain serves as valuable insight. And when you really think about it, the logic checks out. Maybe this inner rigidity I'm feeling is meant to get me to face this fact. 

I think my biggest barriers to socializing comes down to a deep-seated fear of vulnerability.

Admittedly, my inhibitions are extremely strong. Like, crazy strong. I’ve learned in various ways over the years that there are dangers, and I guess locking myself away has been a way to protect myself from predatory people, as well as regulate emotionally.

These all seem valid, but it gets to a point..

- vetiveroil