SHAME

August 9th, 2025

Dear Ancestors,

I am writing to confess today. 

Yesterday, I did something bad. I knew it was bad when I did it, but my insecurities spoke louder than my integrity. It's been sitting on the back of my neck since, but this evening when I took down my hair and the warm water hit my scalp - it suddenly cascaded down my back and has been clinging to me since. After nearly a day of pushing back the anxiety humming at the back of my head, I'm now feeling the weight of it all. My conscience (or rather, my anxiety) plays out the severity of the consequences, almost like a flashback. It feels like one of those moments when time almost stops and it all feels so heavy and intense. I don't know where to start, I don't know how to justify it, let alone help myself. I'm afraid to speak, because it seems like I'm smearing my own name by doing so. If I speak, I am forfeiting my victimhood. My armor. I am, instead, naked and ashamed. 

I'm making errors quite frequently lately, aren't I? Have I gone too far this time? Am I beyond redemption? Shall I hang myself like Judas? Do I bother to repent knowing the gravity of my sin is well beyond grace? 

Would I feel this level of shame if I wasn't afraid of being exposed? Of being found out? Of being seen at my worst, most vulnerable, most defiled shell? 

I'm ashamed, but mostly afraid of being seen in this light. I'm asking myself why I did it, and my own voice cries back out "because I didn't think there would be any consequences" and my shame multiplies at that level of honesty. 

I am looking up at the sky, hoping I have not been forsaken. I fucked up and now I'm reaching up with my hands out, asking for grace.

If the natural consequences of my actions don't catch up to me, my own self-torment will.

I brace myself to face whatever comes forward.

I'm reminding myself that I am not a victim of the ugliness of my character - nor the immorality of my actions.

I've been seduced by my own lower nature - my own insecurities about who I am. 

My shame keeps me from asking for mercy. 

I'm deeply sorry. 

- vetiveroil