INVIGORATION

August 6th, 2025

I woke up this morning and felt re-invigorated.

Maybe it’s because I slept 6 hours, as opposed to the usual 4-5 I've getting lately, and have been dialing back the sugar and processed foods, or maybe it’s because of the insights I received yesterday.

My therapist pointed out to me that the big “stressor” I’m probably experiencing whiplash from is the whole ordeal with my previous manager, and his complete and total disregard for me as a person. After reflecting on that, I realized she was right.

I can’t help but continually feel frazzled by that experience. It’s been months, and I’m telling myself that I need to forgive myself, and that I didn’t mistreat anyone, and so I don’t deserve to carry the shame of what someone else did to me. Funny how your brain can know something your body struggles to accept. My shame comes from not speaking up for myself more, and I'm perceiving more slights than usual as a result.

Today, I found out I screwed up at work (again). My mind jumped into the deep end, and it felt like my good day was no longer so. But I decided, to get my steps in during lunch, went for a walk, and decided, I would still have a good day.

Work is ironically the grounds on which I’m being forced to see and accept my own humanity. That is succinctly why I’m struggling so much in that sector of my life. Emotionally, I mean. Nothing catastrophic has happened as a result of my errors, despite the fact that it makes me feel like shit. I just keep telling myself I'm safe. I've rarely felt safe throughout my life, and so this is new territory for me.

Anyway, this weekend will be centered around cleaning house (literally), unpacking the boxes scattered around, sweeping, and ordering the furniture I actually want. I’m thinking of pushing back the dinner a few weeks. I just can’t be bothered right now. I need to catch my breath and regain my footing before moving forward.

On another note, I’m trying to do better with my nutrition. The past 3 or so meals have been pretty clean, and it feels pretty good. My next goal is to bring the activity back up and strength train.

It’ll be a struggle, but I’ll have to adjust my schedule around school to make sure I can still hit my targets. I can’t believe I’m at the 9 month mark, now. A year is almost upon me. I’ve changed so much, I hardly recognize me. I’ve still got another 30-40 lbs realistically I’d like off of me, but I can easily convert half of that by just lifting and bulking on the protein. I’m in a good place with my body, much better than I’ve been in years - perhaps even my whole life so far.

I’d be lying if I said it didn’t make me anxious to step on the scale sometimes, or that I didn’t feel guilt of fear after eating out a lot, or missing a workout, but I believe a little fear in this sense breeds reverence. I’ve worked really hard to get here, and I’m meticulous about how I move, because I don’t want to reverse my progress.

I’m working on a vision board for this upcoming year. I want to continue progressing in these key areas: health, career, social.

They are inevitably interlinked for me. 

I'm not good at socializing or keeping connections unless we are suuuper close. I've also historically been neglectful of my health and leaned into vanity (which was a big contributor to the destruction of my health). I've always been good about keeping momentum in my career, but I'm finding this is prime time for locking in and commiting to something I genuinely care about (Saturn squaring my 10H).

I believe 24 will be a great year for me; I will make it so. I can’t wait!

- vetiveroil