FREEWRITE

August 10th, 2025

1:50AM:

I’m getting a familiar feeling. It’s been at least a year and half since I would lay on my bed in my apartment in Brooklyn and wonder why I felt so hopeless.

For some reason, an old friend briefly came to mind. I’m working on extending more grace to others - not being so extreme with my feelings, but I think that’s supposed to start with me. I’m wallowing in my own remorse, self-hatred, and whatever else exists in the cesspool that is my subconscious.

I should go back to working out more. It’s been two weeks, and I haven’t completely fallen off, but the decline has been steep.

I’m also thinking of my father. In brief moments like this, I can just almost humanize him enough to feel pity for him. He said to me today, in response to reminding him that I’ll be twenty four, “you’re advancing - and in the same way I’m becoming an old man. You were just a baby.” And that felt like someone has threw an axe directly at my chest.

I miss when I was a child, when my father was still something like a God in my eyes. When my mom was the most glamorous and inspirational woman I knew.

I’ve often said that nostalgia is a liar, and to some extent I still believe that’s true. 

The thing about remorse is that it shrinks you. 

It purifies you in a sense. You think to yourself, if I make it out of this, I’ll be so clean.

I was analyzing my Matrix Destiny chart earlier, I have an 8-8-18 program, which I guess indicates an issue with betrayal and trusting others. Sounds about right, and this is a circle back to my needing to extend more grace to others. My mind jumps into the deep end often. I realize that at the scene of the crime is me - projecting and self-undoing.

5:11PM:

I just got back from the gym, which I guess I desperately needed. The wonderful thing about my mind being in the gutter is that I just want relief, and these days, channeling that into completing a workout is the most progressive thing I can do. I'm doing well with protein and hydration today, and my sleep this weekend was decent. All that in mind, I still have humming feeling of impending doom. 

I missed working out - breaking a sweat gives me the dewiest skin ever. I love it. I'm still fighting my feelings of overwhelm. I just feel frozen. Everything overwhelms me, and I, in turn, overreact and later feel guilty. Could be a recurring noise, being spoken to in a certain kind of way, or anything else in between. Even the most miniscule things feel like threats and I'm questioning my own ability to be and remain sane. 

I'm about to meal prep in a bit for the upcoming week to make it a little easier on me, and more likely that I'll stick to the program when it comes to my nutrition. I'm trying to re-anchor myself in that familiar routine I had going for myself, even if that's going to require I re-wire a few things to make it work. 

It's a gorgeous late Summer day, and i'm watching August gradually cascade into September, and another year has passed me by. I resent how quickly the time is passing, but that's also a reminder for me to truly commit to spending my time productively. Not productive is the yucky corprate-speak sense - but in a way that truly honors my inner being. A way that feels meaningful and sacred: around people I love, actively connecting with them, creating more, instead of passively feeding on pretty objects and pictures, appreciating my god-given vessel, and so on. I received a lovely compliment on one of my blogs yesterday - the person said they liked seeing my thoughts/ideas and I felt so touched by that. The platform was once such a pure representation of my inner being, it feels really nice to be seen and recognized by a stranger. 

Ketu is going to be conjunct the sun (and my chart Magha chart ruler) in another week or so in the 12H. I'm already feeling that loss of energy astrologers speak of. I feel tender, ashamed, and apathetic all at once. It feels really intense. I keep forgetting that this year (2025, not necessarily 23) is a highly karmic one for me. So much has been deconstructed, and yet so much left to work on. I began the year with Ketu transiting my 1H and amidst all of my ailments, insecurities around visibility, etc. I feel like that was an extremely tumultuous period in my life.

If I can't pray for the best outcome, I'm praying that I just know what to do when the sword falls. 

In the same way I know the difference between physical hunger, and the desire to quell my unpleasant emotions. It's a gut feeling. I won't feel 24 for another few weeks, despite the fact that my birthday is quickly approaching. Much more quickly than I thought it would. 

I have to ask for my cake to be delayed some, I won't be ready for it. 

I just hope all goes well. I'm also reminding myself to focus on the feelings instead of the aesthetics, which is something I'm notorious for not doing. When things look good, I feel good - and I am learning that not everyone cares that deeply and that I have to adapt to that. That's a quality my mom and I both share, I'm noticing. I care a lot about my appearance.  I'm deeply critical about how I look and appear, and anything a product of me must pass this rigorous standard I've imposed on myself otherwise it doesn't feel worthy of pursuing. I could work on unpacking that now, but I believe that those insights will fall on their own sometime soon. 

* Beauty = worthy / worth "it"

For some reason that's how it works in my brain. I resent that, but at the same time, I believe that I'm meant to follow that impulse to some extent for a fulfilling inner life. I just think my measurement has to be fine tuned a bit to focus on the right kind of beauty, which isn't always so superficial.

I think I am getting a hang of this platform now, it's easier for me to write the entries without falling into self-doubt. This keeps me honest and accountable. That is very valuable. 

- vetiveroil